Sunday, October 31, 2010


So my husband and I have been trying to conceive for six months. I realize that this isn't a particularly long time in the grand scheme of things and that it isn't uncommon for it to take this long or longer to conceive even though were both young and healthy. I'm tryin not to be that crazy person. Last month I actually did conceive. For four wonderful days I was really excited and was so grateful. And then after some heavy cramping and bleeding, I called a clinic... I had miscarried. I know that it's common in very early pregnancy to miscarry but as someone who already suffers from depression and an anxiety disorder, a trauma ( even one so "trivial") can be devastating. I know it wasn't a baby yet and that I could not have been attached to it, but that doesn't make me wonder any less about what I did wrong.

My husband was really understanding and honoured my request to stay at a friends for a night. I knew it was irrational to be so upset, so I didn't want him to try to make me feel better. I just needed to cry it out alone.

I'll continue this later, blogging from an iPod is a pain.

added later, from a real computer!:
I cried and blamed myself and wrote lists about what I did wrong and how I could avoid doing those things again.. all the while knowing how irrational it was. I just needed to get it out of my system I guess.

so back to me trying not to be that crazy person. we decided that we weren't going to "try" to have a baby but simply go with the flow.. that worked for the first two months before I started to wonder why the hell it wasn't working! then I started charting my temperatures.. doing online ovulation calculators and bought ovulation predictor kits. I cut out caffeine (an ENORMOUS feat for me), I already quit smoking a year ago, and I don't drink at all.. I started paying close attention to my body and charting any signs and symptoms. I'm becoming (or I probably already am) that crazy person. oops.

My life has become a colour coded calendar outlining when my period is expected, when I'm fertile (or likely to be), when my two week wait is, and any/all symptoms I experience during.

I work with children.. lots of children.. so I've discovered that I can't really escape thinking about kids. we just enrolled a few more infants .. they're adorable.. and I want one damnit.