so sick!

I've been sick for about two weeks. I've been told I'm next in line for *the big promotion* and so I've been working my ass off... through the illness, and now I'm a bit worried. I can't swallow without crazy amounts of pain, and both my ears are crackly.

Luckily, I'm on vacation this week (well.. most of) and next, so I can deal with this appropriately.

Christmas is just a few short days away, and I still haven't finished my shopping. This is VERY unlike me.. and I'm so panicked about it. usually I'm done by my birthday in November, but this year.. with a wedding and stuff.. I was a bit busy.. I'm so scatterbrained right now.. I'll update later.

My cat

He's not the smartest thing in the world.

He's adorable, and cuddly.. but he thinks he's a dog. He comes when called, he begs.. Today, he even farted.. then looked around as if to accuse me.. and then he actually sniffed the air and fired a dirty look my way before being so offended by the smell that he left the room.

He plays fetch with hair ties.. he chases them, and then returns them so I can toss them again.. all in all, I think he's confused about what species he really is.

He has an incredible personality, and lots of it, but stick a mouse in front of him and he runs into walls, puffs up his tail and acts as though he's about to die. He's not the greatest mouser.

It may seem strange to some that my cat is such a big part of my life, but unlike some cats that just sleep all day and have the occasional snooze on their owners lap, he is *always* with me. When I get home he greets me at the door and from that point on he is either following me to my next destination, or he's laying on/beside me. It's hard not to have him be such a big part of my life when he throws himself into whatever I'm doing. When I do laundry, he sits on the stairs and watches me.. when I fold laundry, he picks the darkest, most cat-hairable pile and stretches out on it. No matter what I'm doing, he is most likely *in* it. None of this really bothers me.. I find it cute.

I realized that I don't very often mention him.. which is odd. because he does tons of stuff that makes it into daily conversation. Right now, he is laying across my arms and impeding my typing.. but because he's snoring.. ever so slightly.. it's too cute to move him. I can't ever see my life without a cat.. I've never been without one extraordinary kitty in my life :)

No baby *sad*

So we're out of the running for another month.

I'm not patient at all. When I decide to do something it's often a let's-do-this-now-because-if-I-have-to-wait-I-won't-bother kind of things. When the hubby and I started trying seven months ago, we said we weren't really"trying" we were just gonna go with the flow and see what happens. That of course was before I didn't get pregnant in month one. Little by little each month I get my hopes up and then they fall and shatter into a million jagged pieces. I'm now getting depressed about it. I'm convinced I'm doing something wrong, or maybe the universe just doesn't think I deserve a baby and it will never happen.

We're not against adopting as a last resort if we really can't have a biological child. I know from experience that I can have a very strong bond with a child and I know that if we adopted we would enter into it knowing that the baby is *our* baby, through and through. But I want my own. I feel like I'm a horrible person even saying it, but it's true. I want the whole experience, being pregnant, having nine months to bond before I even get to meet the little person.

I just wish there was some way to just know! Like, if I could simply order a pregnancy... Win online tracking capability and all so I know exactly when to expect it.

It's almost the majority of women that I work with that are pregnant... And that's not helping in the slightest. Going in every day and hearing about morning sickness and all the over symptoms and just wishing I could be the one getting no sleep and throwing up all night. Bah.

My birthday!

tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 27. hurrah!

Hopefully this will be my last birthday without kids. growing up I had always thought I'd be married with a couple of kids by now. Got the marriage.. workin on the kids.

My plan for today (I'm taking it off to give myself a long weekend for my birthday) and tomorrow is to relax. that's about it. I just want to not *have* to do anything. This doesn't happen often, and I'm really not good at it, so today has already turned out to be pretty productive.. (Damnit!) I've gotten the laundry sorted and ready to go. I've swept and mopped every floor in the house, and vacuumed the bedrooms. I scrubbed the microwave and did all the dishes..

Still moving stuff little by little until we're all set up in the new place. Unfortunately, we've moved all the stuff we need to function and so the rest is just a pain in the ass.

tomorrow, I get to go on a date with my husband (for the first time since my last birthday) and we're doing pretty much the exact same thing.. seeing the sequel to the movie we saw on my last birthday and going to a slightly cheaper restaurant because there's no way we'll get a free meal two years in a row

now, to lay down with the cat and pretend there's nothing else for me to do.. let's see how long that lasts.

so I was digging through my Itouch....

and I found the story that I wrote about my adenotonsillectomy!

For your reading pleasure:

"My adenotonsillectomy nightmare- a cautionary tale

A decade of infections, difficulty breathing, snoring like a jackhammer, and breath barely controlled by constant brushing and gum chewing fueled my mission to have those horrible lumps of useless lymph tissue removed. This is my (probably far too) detailed account of my experience.

It was a chilly February morning at 530 am when my lovely mother brought me to the hospital to begin my journey. We arrived and sat, numbered paper slip in hand to register at admitting, not much time passed until I got to register and was instructed to go upstairs to another waiting room, a nurse would call me to prepare me for surgery. We sat, bored and anxious in the sixth floor waiting room with about
ten other patients and their families. After about an hour, a nurse called my name and led me to a small room where she handed me a gown and told me to strip and put all of my belongings in a clear blue plastic bag. All I noticed about the room was the large window with a great view into the windows of other hospital rooms that she was instructing me to strip in front of. Oh well, I changed as she asked me
questions from the other side of the curtain. Once I'd changed she came back and continued asking questions. At one point she started rambling about Haiti and people stealing children, I stopped listening after a while until she told me to go back to the waiting room ( yep, naked except for a gown and lil foot covers) and wait for another attendant to come and get me for surgery. My mother and I continued waiting
until finally about another hour later an attendant began calling names and checking wrist bands, once we were all accounted for; we were led (more like herded) down a cold windy hallway to another waiting room (yes three waiting rooms so far) to wait for surgery. I was beginning to think that they'd lost the operating room and were stalling.

After not too long, a nurse came to get me, she stuck a hair cover on me and led me down another cold hallway to the operating room. I was instructed to lay down on the table and she got me a warm blanket. It was freezing in there! My surgeon came in and asked how I was and then some guy started trying to find a vein (I can point out a few really good ones, and I'm sitting in the dark) he poked me a few times before the anaesthesiologist took over and did it in one try, she said "goodnight" and then mmm sleep.

I woke up in recovery. There was no pain, just a groggy sort of feeling, like waking up from a very deep sleep suddenly and feeling very heavy in your bed. They gave me a few shots of morphine and gave me ice chips.

After about an hour when I was fully awake, a nice man named Joe came and wheeled me out to my mother ( who was by this point waiting in a FOURTH waiting room) to join us on the way to a room where I would stay til I had a chance to take some pain meds and get all my stuff in order to be discharged. Other than being nauseous every time I moved, it wasn't too bad. I wasn't in too much pain, and felt like I would be all ready to go back to work. I was wrong, so very wrong.

My mother wheeled me down to the car where I struggled to get in without vomiting And we went home. Didn't even make it into the house before I vomited in the garden twice. my husband got me upstairs and situated on the couch and he went to get my pain meds.

Since I got home I have been taking the maximum dose of my pain meds and since day two that hasn't seemed like enough. If I do anything (literally, anything) I feel as though I've run a marathon and need to rest. Every time I swallow ( even just saliva) I get a shooting pain through my throat and into my brain. When I eat, my eyes water and my whole body jerks from the pain of swallowing. I've lost weight and I feel malnourished. I find that if I allow he pain meds to wear off, I'm in so much pain that I can barely swallow the meds.

On day four I was about to run out of meds and was terrified. I was absolutely sure that if I couldn't get a refill of the prescription that I was going to die that night. The pain in my ears had started up by then.

To sum it all up (so far anyway) I have suffered from severe infections my whole life, and this was by far the worst pain I have ever experienced.

As it stands right now (day seven) I'm not quite sure it was worth it. Bit then again I may just be going insane because I haven't slept or eaten in seven days and for most of it I've been drugged with some pretty heavy narcotics.

It is 2 in The morning and my ears hurt so badly I could scream, but won't because that would surely make it worse

Update:
Today is day eight, 2 in the morning again. I woke up to excruciating pain in my ears and throat. When will this end? I'm so exhausted, I can't sleep more than a few hours at a time. I think that the absolute worst part of my recovery is the discouraging mornings. "


I started writing on paper at that point because I remember the headaches and ear pain were pretty unbearable most of the time. day 19 was when I finally felt like a functioning person. went back to work on day 21 and had to leave early and take an extra day because i was so dizzy and lightheaded.

in retrospect I'm glad I had it done, I haven't been *really* sick since the surgery, and I can breathe! it's amazing how much more energy you have when you can actually breathe :o)

Babies..

So my husband and I have been trying to conceive for six months. I realize that this isn't a particularly long time in the grand scheme of things and that it isn't uncommon for it to take this long or longer to conceive even though were both young and healthy. I'm tryin not to be that crazy person. Last month I actually did conceive. For four wonderful days I was really excited and was so grateful. And then after some heavy cramping and bleeding, I called a clinic... I had miscarried. I know that it's common in very early pregnancy to miscarry but as someone who already suffers from depression and an anxiety disorder, a trauma ( even one so "trivial") can be devastating. I know it wasn't a baby yet and that I could not have been attached to it, but that doesn't make me wonder any less about what I did wrong.

My husband was really understanding and honoured my request to stay at a friends for a night. I knew it was irrational to be so upset, so I didn't want him to try to make me feel better. I just needed to cry it out alone.


I'll continue this later, blogging from an iPod is a pain.

added later, from a real computer!:
I cried and blamed myself and wrote lists about what I did wrong and how I could avoid doing those things again.. all the while knowing how irrational it was. I just needed to get it out of my system I guess.

so back to me trying not to be that crazy person. we decided that we weren't going to "try" to have a baby but simply go with the flow.. that worked for the first two months before I started to wonder why the hell it wasn't working! then I started charting my temperatures.. doing online ovulation calculators and bought ovulation predictor kits. I cut out caffeine (an ENORMOUS feat for me), I already quit smoking a year ago, and I don't drink at all.. I started paying close attention to my body and charting any signs and symptoms. I'm becoming (or I probably already am) that crazy person. oops.

My life has become a colour coded calendar outlining when my period is expected, when I'm fertile (or likely to be), when my two week wait is, and any/all symptoms I experience during.

I work with children.. lots of children.. so I've discovered that I can't really escape thinking about kids. we just enrolled a few more infants .. they're adorable.. and I want one damnit.

I AM married! *heart*

So I got married. Hurray!

The days leading up to the wedding were incredibly stressful

My sister is awesome. She made a whole buncha things for my wedding. My bouquet, hubby's bouteniermabobber, swags for decorating the ceremony and reception sites, Flower girl baskets with little pillows sewn in to hold the rings, flower girl headpieces... she helped me organize and make the invitations, centrepieces and favours.. she was great :o) I love my seester.

I'm getting married! *heart*

I know I've mentioned it before, but now that it's only a week and a few days away I'm starting to panic.

Now, I'm not getting cold feet or anything. I'm never been so sure of anything in my life as I am that he is the perfect match for me. He's my best friend and we have so much fun together while at the same time we're able to handle anything that gets thrown at us.. distance, insane mothers, depression.. to name just a few that we've had to deal with already. That's not why I'm panicking. I'm panicking because I'm scared to death of walking down the aisle. I don't like people looking at me. I have an anxiety disorder, and people staring at me is a terrifying thought.

My absolute worst fear? having a panic attack at my own wedding ceremony. Blacking out or throwing up on someone's shoes. I'm trying not to think about it, but it's incredibly difficult.

also, we're trying to have a baby! YAY! I love babies :o) We're on month four.. and no luck yet. I'm trying not to become one of those crazy obsessed people that has notebooks full of temperatures and ovulation predictor results.. etc. but that's hard too!

Here's hoping for this month.. keeping my fingers crossed. :o/

Yay!

So I guess I shouldn't be so happy, but the coworker discussed in my last post.. has been fired! I knew it was only a matter of time. She wasn't pulling her weight.. she was doing things that were against all of our policies and no matter how many times I told her to do things, she just wasn't doing her job.

So I'm happier than I probably should be, but today went smoother than any day in a while has..

on a crappy note.. my company is frustrating.. and my boss and I are going to be getting yelled at a lot tomorrow.. but that is a story for another time.

I need to go grocery shopping, or starve.

Ugh!

So I'm in my second week in my new position. Now, I love my job.. don't get me wrong, but I need to bitch and since confidentiality says that I can't bitch to anyone, here I am.

I work with two women. We have a common goal - To have a well oiled machine that not only provides the basic necessities of life, but also facilitates an environment conducive to learning. sounds great, right? herein lies the issue. One of the women I work with, is a fucking moron... and that's putting it lightly.

She is slow. I mean, turtle slow. I asked her to do a *very* basic task that takes any normal person about five minutes, and she literally took an hour and a half to do it. an hour and a half! I've been *really* patient with this particular coworker. I find that at work, I have a very high tolerance for stupidity.. but this was really pushing my limits.

I wrote out a checklist on her duties for her to follow since for the past two months, she has been told repeatedly (and I mean daily) what she is to do, yet she still fails to do it. Hopefully the checklist helps? *crosses fingers*

It really is ridiculous, because myself and the other coworker, are working twice as hard to pick up the slack, and fix things she messes up. I find myself more exhausted than I have been in a long time.

Here's hoping that my complaints to bossy boss are taken seriously.. because I really can't handle much more of this.

off to bed. more crap tomorrow. *whine*

So sick...

The day that I took my kitty to the vet, I was fine. Unfortunately, as soon as I got home I started to feel a bit woozy and light headed. That turned into a high fever, aches, chills and all sorts of lovely symptoms. I was so Ill that I pretty much slept through the weekend. I feel much better now and the kitty is back to cuddling with me at night. Yay!

I seem to have gotten my boss sick though. Oops? Although I can't take all the credit, most of the staff and clients at work are sick too. Stupid stomach bugs spread like wildfire.

I got to step into my new position for the day since bossy boss was off sick though. It was a bit stressful, but I think I can handle it.

Still a bit panicked about the wedding, I feel like I need to be doing more than I am. Everyone keeps asking me how the wedding plans are going and since I'm not really doing much It makes me feel like I must be falling behind. I have to print out invitations, that's the huge task that is getting me overwhelmed. 100 invitations, 100 reply cards, 100 reply card enveopes addressed and stamped, 100 direction cards printed, 100 invitation envelopes addressed and stamped, 100 invitations fully assembled with a pretty little ribbon bow... Ugh.

Then there are the 100 wedding favours and the centrepieces and that's not even everything I have to do.

new job? what? :oD

so it's not really "new". It's a promotion, that I had to apply for.

for months now, the big big big boss, has been trying to get the ball rolling to get someone into the assistant position at my workplace. FINALLY they did an internal posting and I jumped at it. More pay to do the job I'm already doing? I'm in!

I applied and the only person who seemed to dislike the thought of me getting the position is my own cousin. the person who got me the job in the first place was making all sorts of snarky comments about how I would likely have a harder time getting the job than I think. well PBLTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! on him. I got it!

on a less happier note. My kitty had to go to the vet today. The other day I noticed what looked like a minor eye infection, but yesterday it got much worse and his eye was pretty well gooped shut. also, he had a loose tooth. poor thing, he was wincing every time he ate. so the vet opened his eye and said "yup, conjunctivitis" and then opened his mouth and said "yup, loose tooth" and yanked it out! O.O kitty didn't even yelp, I think the second of pain was worth it to get rid of what must've been driving him insane.

so now I have an ointment for his eye and the vet's word that the bleeding in his mouth will stop... now I'm just wondering how long he'll be hiding in the storage space behind the bed and if he'll ever cuddle with me again.

Lonely.... I'm so lonely... I have no-bodyyyyy for my owwwnnN!!!

had that song stuck in my head all day.

I have a new baby. She's adorable and looks like an alien. She's got the sweetest temperament, and loves to cuddle. Her transition is going really well, she latched on to me within the first half hour or so.

The down side of this lovely angel baby at work? it makes me want my own that much more.

Bear/Pea/the hubby isn't ready.. which I understand. Financially we're not exactly set up to have a baby right now. I completely get that he's not ready, and deep down I know that WE aren't ready.. but I want one.

I'm glad I didn't write a few days ago. I had one of those everything-goes-wrong-all-at-once kind of days and I'm sure the post would have been massive and very negative. Trying to stay positive because everything just goes smoother when I do.

I have to buy a dress. now, this may not seem like a tremendous task to most women.. but I am definitely not like most women. I hate dresses or skirts, I don't like to dress up. I wear mostly black and nothing I own is suitable to go to a wedding in.
*sigh* I hate shopping :o(

sooo...

not too much has happened. I recovered from my surgery, obviously.

I'm getting a bit panicked about planning this wedding.
Venue, check
Dress, check.
officiant, check.
bridesmaids dress, check
flower girls dresses picked out, check
bouquet bought, check
invitations bought, check (still need to do 'em though.)

so why the hell am I so panicked? I have NO BLOODY CLUE.

This weekend I'll go with my seester and mum and measure stuff out at the venue, come up with some decorating ideas and such, and hopefully ease some of this anxiety.

I just found my sister's blog. I haven't read anything I didn't already know, but it's still sort of neat.
oh, and I made this blog public. I wonder if anyone will ever read it.

Everything at work is going great. I love my boss, we'll just call her Boss. She is a hell of a lot like me, and in all the ways that make it easy to get along with her, not any of those things about me that I can't stand. we agree on just about everything, and our philosophy about our job meshes perfectly. unfortunately, she is only covering a maternity leave.. and so in December, I'm going to have to get used to someone new and lose who has become a very good friend.

I think that's the point that we'll start looking for places north of the city. if I have to start over with a new boss, i might as well start looking for a whole new job since I want to move anyway right?

*sigh* eventually, I'll get good at writing

I always forget that my blog is even here. Then one day I remember, come and write a bit.. and forget for another year.

I'll try to remember, and at least update it every few months. That I can promise.. any more and I'd just end up breaking it.

So last I wrote, I had two jobs (left), I ended up quitting one. I was splitting my time ineffectively and was exhausted. I wasn't doing my best at either job and so I chose my dream job/career with decent pay, and a great working environment over the wicked benefits and.. oh.. right, that was the only up side to that one. Anyway, it all worked out. I've been at my dream job for almost a year now and it's still my dream job.

I moved into my bigger, better, private-r place, and a few months late, bear moved in with me. It's awesome living here, and with him :o) We are geeks, we have a menu laminated on the fridge and we actually stick to it. I'm still trying to teach him some chores but he's a quick learner.

I'm home from work for two weeks (not really by choice)
I had surgery last week, and I'm on day 6 of my recovery. I feel like I could kill someone it's so painful. I can't sleep for longer than the duration of my pain meds, and every time I try I wake up writhing. I just want the pain to end!

Since I'm here for the rest of this week and some of the next, I'll likely write again.

-Pyra