I spent my entire life (well, the first 27 years of it) living in the same house. In that time, I moved from sharing a room with my sister, to sleeping in my brother's old room, to moving to the attic (before it was actually a room), to sleeping in my mother's office while the attic became a room, to moving into the beautifully new roomified attic, to being shunned to the basement so my brother could move into what was now a whole apartment in the top of our house, to moving into the apartment upstairs on my own. In case you weren't counting, I moved 7 times, and didn't even move out.
My hubby moved in with me, and then my parents sold the house out from under us (I'm not bitter.. really) and we had to move to somewhere much smaller, and much more expensive. So small in fact, that most of our stuff is in storage at either my parent's new house, or the storage area in our building that costs us yet another monthly fee. we're moving in four days, and I'm so looking forward to being able to unpack our stuff! we have about twenty bankers boxes that haven't been touched in well over a year, and likely are full of things that I can get rid of but I can't wait to see what we've been hiding!
This is going to be an incredibly busy four days.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Drama at work. and I'm not even there!
so, a while ago.. a few months now at least, I had some issues with a woman at work.
when I was leaving for maternity leave, I sent out a memo to everyone with the date that I would be leaving. which was supposedly to be november 4th. Unfortunately, after I was told by my doctor that I shouldn't stay that long, I had to leave a bit earlier. I sent out another memo apologizing for the short notice, and letting everyone know that I would be leaving october 21st instead.
This is the email that I received from the stupid woman:
Hello [Pyra],
I guess [company]'s policy is to provide as little notice as possible for every situation. Is there a contract that you have to sign to give two months notice for anything? i don't see any reson for you to only give a day notice that youre leaving yet if I have an emergency and have to pull my son i have to give you two months notice. it's unfair and i think that when it comes time to take [child] out of [company] i will quote this email where you give less than 24 hours notice to leave. For the time that you have been in charge I have had to call [government agency] twice because you don't both (I assume she meas "bother") to have enough staff in the morning and hopefully your replacement will actually do their job. Sorry if i seem unsympathetic but we pay too much money to [company]to have things like this happening.
[evil wench]
nice huh? especially since in my memo i let everyone know that it was due to medical reasons. Annnnyway, my response to her was:
Hello [Evil Wench],
First of all, I would like to say how happy I am for you that you have never had a medical emergency yourself, or that your family has never had to suffer through any hardships that required you to be away from work, I sincerely hope that it continues to be the case.
Second, my pregnancy has had added compications and I have suffered through the increased stress levels from having people call [government agency] when their claims are completely unfounded. Fortunately, [government agency] has followed up thoroughly each time, and has found that these claims were from the same person and will likely disregard any future calls as they have been a waste of valuable time thus far.
Thirdly, I thank you for you input, and will definitely be letting my replacement know what you feel her job entails. Whether she acts on your interpretation of her job, or her actual duties set out by the government and our corporate office will unfortunately be up to her.
Fourth, and Final. As dismayed as I am to see how upset you are that I am leaving, I am doing what is best for myself and my family. Unfortunately whether you agree or not has absolutely no bearing on my decision, as for the past year you have made every attempt to belittle and insult me. I will not miss the treatment I have received from you, and only hope that someone in your enlightens you to how it feels to be treated the way you have treated me.
Thank you, and best of luck with everything that comes your way,
[Pyra]
I had kind of hoped that I would never have to hear from/about her again, but now supposedly there is a staff at work that has told this person, that her son will be mistreated by one of my coworkers because she is a good friend of mine, and I "hate" her son. I'm waiting to hear if this issue has been cleared up, and I really hope that whoever said it gets written up at least.. because they're using my name to make a friend's life hard.. which I am really unhappy about :o(
when I was leaving for maternity leave, I sent out a memo to everyone with the date that I would be leaving. which was supposedly to be november 4th. Unfortunately, after I was told by my doctor that I shouldn't stay that long, I had to leave a bit earlier. I sent out another memo apologizing for the short notice, and letting everyone know that I would be leaving october 21st instead.
This is the email that I received from the stupid woman:
Hello [Pyra],
I guess [company]'s policy is to provide as little notice as possible for every situation. Is there a contract that you have to sign to give two months notice for anything? i don't see any reson for you to only give a day notice that youre leaving yet if I have an emergency and have to pull my son i have to give you two months notice. it's unfair and i think that when it comes time to take [child] out of [company] i will quote this email where you give less than 24 hours notice to leave. For the time that you have been in charge I have had to call [government agency] twice because you don't both (I assume she meas "bother") to have enough staff in the morning and hopefully your replacement will actually do their job. Sorry if i seem unsympathetic but we pay too much money to [company]to have things like this happening.
[evil wench]
nice huh? especially since in my memo i let everyone know that it was due to medical reasons. Annnnyway, my response to her was:
Hello [Evil Wench],
First of all, I would like to say how happy I am for you that you have never had a medical emergency yourself, or that your family has never had to suffer through any hardships that required you to be away from work, I sincerely hope that it continues to be the case.
Second, my pregnancy has had added compications and I have suffered through the increased stress levels from having people call [government agency] when their claims are completely unfounded. Fortunately, [government agency] has followed up thoroughly each time, and has found that these claims were from the same person and will likely disregard any future calls as they have been a waste of valuable time thus far.
Thirdly, I thank you for you input, and will definitely be letting my replacement know what you feel her job entails. Whether she acts on your interpretation of her job, or her actual duties set out by the government and our corporate office will unfortunately be up to her.
Fourth, and Final. As dismayed as I am to see how upset you are that I am leaving, I am doing what is best for myself and my family. Unfortunately whether you agree or not has absolutely no bearing on my decision, as for the past year you have made every attempt to belittle and insult me. I will not miss the treatment I have received from you, and only hope that someone in your enlightens you to how it feels to be treated the way you have treated me.
Thank you, and best of luck with everything that comes your way,
[Pyra]
I had kind of hoped that I would never have to hear from/about her again, but now supposedly there is a staff at work that has told this person, that her son will be mistreated by one of my coworkers because she is a good friend of mine, and I "hate" her son. I'm waiting to hear if this issue has been cleared up, and I really hope that whoever said it gets written up at least.. because they're using my name to make a friend's life hard.. which I am really unhappy about :o(
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
G6PD Deficiency
We had to take Des in for some blood testing, because after a week and a half, he was still quite yellow with Jaundice. One of the causes of prolonged neonatal jaundice, is a G6PD deficiency.
He tested deficient and so we have to confirm in about a month, because sometimes, the jaundice itself can cause a deficient reading.
Looking at the list of unsafe foods and drugs, it seems like it will be really difficult to avoid these things. At least with an allergy, it's fairly simple. I can't have peanuts.. you check labels and are careful.. and you're fine. but this? no ibuprofen, acetaminophen, or aspirin. no blue food colouring, peas, soy, peanuts, legumes and definitely no fava beans.. there are so many items to avoid, and I don't even know what most of them are, but they are additives and things.. so .. ugh. :o( I really hope he doesn't have this, because as diligent as I would be with what i would feed him, I would be nervous anytime he wasn't with me
He tested deficient and so we have to confirm in about a month, because sometimes, the jaundice itself can cause a deficient reading.
Looking at the list of unsafe foods and drugs, it seems like it will be really difficult to avoid these things. At least with an allergy, it's fairly simple. I can't have peanuts.. you check labels and are careful.. and you're fine. but this? no ibuprofen, acetaminophen, or aspirin. no blue food colouring, peas, soy, peanuts, legumes and definitely no fava beans.. there are so many items to avoid, and I don't even know what most of them are, but they are additives and things.. so .. ugh. :o( I really hope he doesn't have this, because as diligent as I would be with what i would feed him, I would be nervous anytime he wasn't with me
Where do babies come from?
you'd think my husband would know, considering he watched our baby emerge.
the other night, we were discussing our son, and then my hubby mentioned "nut fish". I stared at him blankly and then he began explaining to our (thankfully only three week old and unable to understand) son how babies are made.
"so, in your nuts there are these fish. They just swim around until onnnnne day, you meet a mommy *whispers* she's not a mommy yet though, but she willlll be */end whisper* and your nut fish, swim into her baby store where there are lots of babies sleeping. and one lucky nut fish will go up and yell WAKE UP BABY! to one of the lucky babies and that baby will wake up and start growing into a person."
I let him know, gently, that I would be having the where babies come from talk with Des when the time comes.
the other night, we were discussing our son, and then my hubby mentioned "nut fish". I stared at him blankly and then he began explaining to our (thankfully only three week old and unable to understand) son how babies are made.
"so, in your nuts there are these fish. They just swim around until onnnnne day, you meet a mommy *whispers* she's not a mommy yet though, but she willlll be */end whisper* and your nut fish, swim into her baby store where there are lots of babies sleeping. and one lucky nut fish will go up and yell WAKE UP BABY! to one of the lucky babies and that baby will wake up and start growing into a person."
I let him know, gently, that I would be having the where babies come from talk with Des when the time comes.
Monday, November 28, 2011
thinking positively..
I've always given the hubby crap about how pessimistic he is. no matter the situation, he assumed the worst, and gets annoyed at the thought of the negative things that *could* happen.
example: we're driving along the street from our house
him: the highway is gonna be packed
me: it's sunday, there shouldn't be any traffic
him: there's always traffic, I hate this city
me: *looks around* there's no traffic honey.. the highway will be fine
him: there will be tons of traffic. we're going to be late
the conversation usually ends with me sighing loudly and saying "fine, we're going to be late"... we've never been late for anything, except for when I was in labour and we got stuck in traffic for over an hour.. but that was a bit of an extreme circumstance. It's frustrating for me, because I *have* to try to think positively, or I'll just curl up and cry all the time.
today, I'm alone with Des for the first time for a whole day.. add to that the fact that I've only had an hour and a half of sleep (Des was awake all night with horrible gas that made him scream) so I'm desperately trying to think positively.
annnnd he's awake again.
example: we're driving along the street from our house
him: the highway is gonna be packed
me: it's sunday, there shouldn't be any traffic
him: there's always traffic, I hate this city
me: *looks around* there's no traffic honey.. the highway will be fine
him: there will be tons of traffic. we're going to be late
the conversation usually ends with me sighing loudly and saying "fine, we're going to be late"... we've never been late for anything, except for when I was in labour and we got stuck in traffic for over an hour.. but that was a bit of an extreme circumstance. It's frustrating for me, because I *have* to try to think positively, or I'll just curl up and cry all the time.
today, I'm alone with Des for the first time for a whole day.. add to that the fact that I've only had an hour and a half of sleep (Des was awake all night with horrible gas that made him scream) so I'm desperately trying to think positively.
annnnd he's awake again.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
uh oh.
the hubby goes back to work tomorrow. I'm having panic attacks just thinking about being alone all day... every day.. with Des. It's a terrifying thought, considering he gives Des the occasional bottle, and cuddles him often while he plays video games so that I can do laundry, cleaning, showering.. all that good stuff. What the hell am I going to do when it's just me? Des likes to be cuddled. He does not like to lay on his back... he's already a side sleeper, because he can roll that far on his own.. and so I'm incredibly nervous about him when he's sleeping, because I don't want him to roll too far or something and suffocate. this is going to be difficult for the next little while.
Once we move, we'll be able to set up the crib, which I will be much less panicked about because 1) i can see him through the sides of it and 2) the sides aren't solid and so he wouldn't be able to kill himself.
Also, once we move we'll have more space.. for everything. right now, I have that restless omg-the-walls-are-closing-in-on-me feeling due to the influx of baby stuff that takes up more room than we have. I packed up everything Des related that we won't need to use for at least the month, and put it in storage. Otherwise, I'm fairly sure that it would have toppled over and killed all of us in our sleep.
Hopefully, the next 21 days will go by quickly... I just want to have moved.. I still feel like we're not really set up to have Des home, which it's a bit too late for at this point.. so once we move, I can get things ready to have him home!
Once we move, we'll be able to set up the crib, which I will be much less panicked about because 1) i can see him through the sides of it and 2) the sides aren't solid and so he wouldn't be able to kill himself.
Also, once we move we'll have more space.. for everything. right now, I have that restless omg-the-walls-are-closing-in-on-me feeling due to the influx of baby stuff that takes up more room than we have. I packed up everything Des related that we won't need to use for at least the month, and put it in storage. Otherwise, I'm fairly sure that it would have toppled over and killed all of us in our sleep.
Hopefully, the next 21 days will go by quickly... I just want to have moved.. I still feel like we're not really set up to have Des home, which it's a bit too late for at this point.. so once we move, I can get things ready to have him home!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Breastfeeding woes..
breastfeeding is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world.. so why is it so difficult? I have a baby who won't latch properly, or when he does, he falls asleep and won't drink. Immediately at the hospital, they told me to give him formula in a bottle because he wasn't latching well. Rather than helping me, they chose to have me bottle feed him, and I did.. because I didn't know any better.
now I feel like hes just too lazy, so he doesn't latch as well as he needs to in order to get enough milk from me. Also, my milk supply is low.. which again.. if breastfeeding is so natural... why is that even possible.
every time he cries, i just get angry, or upset.. because every time, it's a struggle, and i end up feeling inadequate. Really though.. I can't afford to formula feed him... and i definitely didn't budget for formula feeding.
I started taking fenugreek and blessed thistle like my doctor suggested, and my milk supply did increase... but he was already lazy and so I have clogged ducts. incredibly painful and I just want to cry, and give up.. but I don't. Every 1-2 hours, i feed him and then hand him off to get some formula to supplement and feel like crying.
I really hope this gets easier.
now I feel like hes just too lazy, so he doesn't latch as well as he needs to in order to get enough milk from me. Also, my milk supply is low.. which again.. if breastfeeding is so natural... why is that even possible.
every time he cries, i just get angry, or upset.. because every time, it's a struggle, and i end up feeling inadequate. Really though.. I can't afford to formula feed him... and i definitely didn't budget for formula feeding.
I started taking fenugreek and blessed thistle like my doctor suggested, and my milk supply did increase... but he was already lazy and so I have clogged ducts. incredibly painful and I just want to cry, and give up.. but I don't. Every 1-2 hours, i feed him and then hand him off to get some formula to supplement and feel like crying.
I really hope this gets easier.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
priorities
So, with a baby in the house, everything has changed.
he's the big priority now, everything else comes second. The hubby hasn't complained that he's having to do more chores and spend a lot of money (he .. hates.. spending money). He's been pretty understanding, or at least he's trying to understand what's going on with my body, and has been trying to help out as much as he can. The breastfeeding is a huge source of anxiety with me, and he's been researching to see what might help, and then helping me do things. (trying to keep me relaxed with massage, making me tea, etc) he's an awesome daddy.. and I'm so proud of him.
Des and I have been home alone this evening. Hubby went to a concert (his brother is in a band), that he had planned to go to since forever ago. It gave me a chance to see how I would feel alone here with Des. at first, I felt like I was drowning. I was scared to go to the washroom, because then no one would be with Des. I realize that it's a bit irrational, but it's just a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't really shake.
Now, I feel like I have a bit more of a handle on things. I've been wandering around with Des, taking pictures of him. He's so cute.. and when he smiles, I get all teary.
so, something that I didn't tell anyone about when I was in labour, which is why I was so panicked that something was terribly wrong. the night before i had Des, I had a horrible dream. It was incredibly vivid, and when I woke up I was pretty hysterical. The hubby had to actually wake up and take some time to talk to me to calm me down.
The dream was that I went into labor and the hubby wasn't around, so I ended up trying to take transit to the hospital. When I got there, my sister and mum had called and left a message at maternity that they wouldn't be able to make it, but good luck and the hubby was at work and wouldn't be able to leave for a few hours. So I was at the hospital, in labor and alone, and then after a bunch of pushing.. the baby was stillborn.
I was terrified. I couldn't get the image out of my head the whole time that I was actually in labor, and every time they whispered about something, my whole body would go cold and I would think that my dream was going to come true.
When we got home with Des, I locked myself in the washroom and sobbed for about half an hour.. I was so relieved, and scared, and hormonal, and exhausted. After that, I was okay mostly. it took a couple of days for me to get over that cold feeling, and I think that that's a big part of why I get so nervous when he's asleep..
He's just so perfect.
he's the big priority now, everything else comes second. The hubby hasn't complained that he's having to do more chores and spend a lot of money (he .. hates.. spending money). He's been pretty understanding, or at least he's trying to understand what's going on with my body, and has been trying to help out as much as he can. The breastfeeding is a huge source of anxiety with me, and he's been researching to see what might help, and then helping me do things. (trying to keep me relaxed with massage, making me tea, etc) he's an awesome daddy.. and I'm so proud of him.
Des and I have been home alone this evening. Hubby went to a concert (his brother is in a band), that he had planned to go to since forever ago. It gave me a chance to see how I would feel alone here with Des. at first, I felt like I was drowning. I was scared to go to the washroom, because then no one would be with Des. I realize that it's a bit irrational, but it's just a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't really shake.
Now, I feel like I have a bit more of a handle on things. I've been wandering around with Des, taking pictures of him. He's so cute.. and when he smiles, I get all teary.
so, something that I didn't tell anyone about when I was in labour, which is why I was so panicked that something was terribly wrong. the night before i had Des, I had a horrible dream. It was incredibly vivid, and when I woke up I was pretty hysterical. The hubby had to actually wake up and take some time to talk to me to calm me down.
The dream was that I went into labor and the hubby wasn't around, so I ended up trying to take transit to the hospital. When I got there, my sister and mum had called and left a message at maternity that they wouldn't be able to make it, but good luck and the hubby was at work and wouldn't be able to leave for a few hours. So I was at the hospital, in labor and alone, and then after a bunch of pushing.. the baby was stillborn.
I was terrified. I couldn't get the image out of my head the whole time that I was actually in labor, and every time they whispered about something, my whole body would go cold and I would think that my dream was going to come true.
When we got home with Des, I locked myself in the washroom and sobbed for about half an hour.. I was so relieved, and scared, and hormonal, and exhausted. After that, I was okay mostly. it took a couple of days for me to get over that cold feeling, and I think that that's a big part of why I get so nervous when he's asleep..
He's just so perfect.
Friday, November 18, 2011
breastfeeding...
so Des doesn't latch very well, and my milk supply is low. both of these things make feedin incredibly frustrating for the both of us. I end up in tears and he just screams until we get him some formula. I feel like an absolute failure.
I'm trying to feed him at least every two hours, and following all of the advice that I've been given regarding increasing my milk supply.. but nothing seems to be working.
In the hospital, when I was asking when we would be able to go home, I was told that the criteria for discharge included a successful latch, twice. I argued, and explained that I don't understand how that's possible. Some women don't want to breastfeed at all, some want to pump and bottle feed breastmilk, some women aren't physically able for whatever reason.. who the fuck has the right to judge any of those decisions? certainly not the bloody hospital. I was so upset, because I already felt like I"m a horrible mum, and then she said "we need to make sure the child will be fed" I was livid. I wanted to punch her in the face.. but I didn't, because that would likely get the police involved.. and I just really wanted to go home! I told her, firmly... not rudely.. that he had bottle fed formule four times, 1 oz each time in the past 14 hours, he had been satisfied with that amount and had had two bowel movements and two wet diapers in that time. He was definitely getting the nutrition he required.. she said she would discuss the situation with the chief nurse and get back to me. 18 hours later, we were discharged.
I will likely not be going back to that hospital with the next one. I felt disregarded.. and intimmidated by people with very obvious biases about certain things.
I suffer from depression and decided with my doctor that I would continue with my very low dose of anti-anxiety medication throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding, as a depressed mum will likely have far more issues. There was one nurse who told me that Des was twitching because he was "looking for your [my] medicine" .. this was after I heard her discussing my "case" with someone in the hall outside my room and saying "the kid has the shakes why would she want to leave?"
i left very upset and feeling like I was doing all the wrong things. I hadn't slept in a VERY long time, because the family that we were sharing a room with were incredibly loud and would not stop playing music all through the night. I feel slightly better now that I have him home and I feel like I'm capable of keeping him alive.. but still feel like I was treated like I don't know what I'm doing, when no one bothered to ask if I have any experience with children, or .. well.. anything really. They treated me as though I knew nothing, and argued with just about everything I said, yet they knew nothing about me and didn't bother to determine whether I knew anything before treating me like that.
oh well, I won't be going back, so that's fine.. I just hope that they don't treat everyone like that, and maybe I just got every nurse that was in a bad mood that day.
I'm trying to feed him at least every two hours, and following all of the advice that I've been given regarding increasing my milk supply.. but nothing seems to be working.
In the hospital, when I was asking when we would be able to go home, I was told that the criteria for discharge included a successful latch, twice. I argued, and explained that I don't understand how that's possible. Some women don't want to breastfeed at all, some want to pump and bottle feed breastmilk, some women aren't physically able for whatever reason.. who the fuck has the right to judge any of those decisions? certainly not the bloody hospital. I was so upset, because I already felt like I"m a horrible mum, and then she said "we need to make sure the child will be fed" I was livid. I wanted to punch her in the face.. but I didn't, because that would likely get the police involved.. and I just really wanted to go home! I told her, firmly... not rudely.. that he had bottle fed formule four times, 1 oz each time in the past 14 hours, he had been satisfied with that amount and had had two bowel movements and two wet diapers in that time. He was definitely getting the nutrition he required.. she said she would discuss the situation with the chief nurse and get back to me. 18 hours later, we were discharged.
I will likely not be going back to that hospital with the next one. I felt disregarded.. and intimmidated by people with very obvious biases about certain things.
I suffer from depression and decided with my doctor that I would continue with my very low dose of anti-anxiety medication throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding, as a depressed mum will likely have far more issues. There was one nurse who told me that Des was twitching because he was "looking for your [my] medicine" .. this was after I heard her discussing my "case" with someone in the hall outside my room and saying "the kid has the shakes why would she want to leave?"
i left very upset and feeling like I was doing all the wrong things. I hadn't slept in a VERY long time, because the family that we were sharing a room with were incredibly loud and would not stop playing music all through the night. I feel slightly better now that I have him home and I feel like I'm capable of keeping him alive.. but still feel like I was treated like I don't know what I'm doing, when no one bothered to ask if I have any experience with children, or .. well.. anything really. They treated me as though I knew nothing, and argued with just about everything I said, yet they knew nothing about me and didn't bother to determine whether I knew anything before treating me like that.
oh well, I won't be going back, so that's fine.. I just hope that they don't treat everyone like that, and maybe I just got every nurse that was in a bad mood that day.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I have a baby!
So I decided to re-read my last post, and it's kind of funny, because when I wrote that, I was actually about to go into labour, and was already having mild contractions.
My son was born on 11.11.11 under a full moon, at 1:32 in the morning, but let's start from the beginning shall we?
I had scheduled another ultrasound in order to determine his position and size for Thursday afternoon at 2 pm. All morning, I was cleaning, and feeling sort of off. I had slept better than I had in months.. I think I actually got a full five hours of UNINTERRUPTED sleep. that is inconceivable for me, even before I got pregnant, so I was feeling a bit elated.
I was getting ready to go to the appointment with my husband (he'd taken the day off in order to go with me), when I bent down to put on my socks. I felt a weird sort of *pop* in my belly, but didn't think much of it other than noting the time of the weird feeling. 1:32 pm. then I started leaking fluid.. *sigh* I thought I was just peeing myself again! yay pregnancy! so I slapped on a pad and finished getting ready. My husband started grabbing random items "just in case" we had to go to the hospital, including the bag I had packed for the baby.. I didn't have anything packed for me yet.
in the car, we got stuck in traffic. for over an hour! I was starving, but wasn't going to be able to get food because of the traffic.. I didn't want to be late for the ultrasound. All the while, I was getting weird sort of indegestion-y pains. Ugh.. mixed in with those pains, were what felt like menstrual cramps. I'm no stranger to them, and ignored those as well.
at 1:47 I had a definite contraction. I had always wondered, how will I know if it's a contraction? well, it didn't feel like anything that I had felt before. It was a strange pulling sensation, surrounded by a bit of discomfort, wrapped in a light coating of pain.. that lasted a definite amount of time. I wrote that down.
12 minutes later, there was another, and 10 minutes later, another! hrm, this isn't good.. we're stuck in traffic.
I was still determined to go to the ultrasound appointment. After all, I wasn't *absolutely sure* that I was in labor, and who better to tell me than the ultrasound place?
just as we were getting to the clinic, I had a contraction, only 6 minutes after the one before it, and decided that I really should call my doctor. She said go immediately to the hospital. Don't stop for the ultrasound, just get there.
we got to the hospital, and spent ten minutes trying to pay for parking, then went into maternity. We went to the triage counter, and while I winced and cried behind a woman that was there for a scheduled c-section, my husband paced and looked anxious.
once I got into an "early labour lounge", I realized that yes, my water had most definitely broken, because one of my legs was soaked to my socks, and the pad that I had slapped on before leaving, wass completely saturated with clear fluid. I remembered that smell from my sister's labours, and that was when I began panicking.
A doctor came in to examine me (I was already hooked up to a fetal monitor)and told me that I was 4 cm dilated, 90% effaced, and asked me how long between contractions and how bad were they? I told her they were about 12 minutes apart and that I really really really really realllllly wanted an epidural. Then I had a contraction and almost screamed. She looked at me sort of funny and pointed out on the monitor that my contractions were actually 2 minutes apart, but most of them were bearable.
2 minutes?! holy crap. She told me I was heading for a birthing room and got a nurse to go get a wheelchair. That's when my sister got there. I remember bursting into tears, but not much else. I just wanted to eat something damnit, I was starving! but no luck, I wasn't going to be able to eat anything until after the delivery, but they'd put me on IV fluids... bah.
I fell in love with the epidural man when he arrived, because at that point, the contractions were making me feel as though I was being ripped in half.
epidurals are lovely things. Lovely magnificent things.
after a long while of not all that much excitement, my nurse suggested some pushing. 12:00 to 1:32 I pushed, and at 1:32 am he was born. exactly, to the minute, 12 hrs after my water broke.
The whole thing was terrifying, and I would definitely have a midwife for another pregnancy as I didn't really feel as though the doctors were there for me. He was born at a teaching hospital, and so the doctor had a resident with her, and was mumbling softly to her mostly, rather than answering any questions that I had.
His name is Des, and he's perfect. He does have a penis, which wasn't expected, but watching him pee on his daddy is just too hilarious, and so I forgive him for being a boy.
I'll write more about my hospital stay after I spend a bit of time staring into his eyes :o)
My son was born on 11.11.11 under a full moon, at 1:32 in the morning, but let's start from the beginning shall we?
I had scheduled another ultrasound in order to determine his position and size for Thursday afternoon at 2 pm. All morning, I was cleaning, and feeling sort of off. I had slept better than I had in months.. I think I actually got a full five hours of UNINTERRUPTED sleep. that is inconceivable for me, even before I got pregnant, so I was feeling a bit elated.
I was getting ready to go to the appointment with my husband (he'd taken the day off in order to go with me), when I bent down to put on my socks. I felt a weird sort of *pop* in my belly, but didn't think much of it other than noting the time of the weird feeling. 1:32 pm. then I started leaking fluid.. *sigh* I thought I was just peeing myself again! yay pregnancy! so I slapped on a pad and finished getting ready. My husband started grabbing random items "just in case" we had to go to the hospital, including the bag I had packed for the baby.. I didn't have anything packed for me yet.
in the car, we got stuck in traffic. for over an hour! I was starving, but wasn't going to be able to get food because of the traffic.. I didn't want to be late for the ultrasound. All the while, I was getting weird sort of indegestion-y pains. Ugh.. mixed in with those pains, were what felt like menstrual cramps. I'm no stranger to them, and ignored those as well.
at 1:47 I had a definite contraction. I had always wondered, how will I know if it's a contraction? well, it didn't feel like anything that I had felt before. It was a strange pulling sensation, surrounded by a bit of discomfort, wrapped in a light coating of pain.. that lasted a definite amount of time. I wrote that down.
12 minutes later, there was another, and 10 minutes later, another! hrm, this isn't good.. we're stuck in traffic.
I was still determined to go to the ultrasound appointment. After all, I wasn't *absolutely sure* that I was in labor, and who better to tell me than the ultrasound place?
just as we were getting to the clinic, I had a contraction, only 6 minutes after the one before it, and decided that I really should call my doctor. She said go immediately to the hospital. Don't stop for the ultrasound, just get there.
we got to the hospital, and spent ten minutes trying to pay for parking, then went into maternity. We went to the triage counter, and while I winced and cried behind a woman that was there for a scheduled c-section, my husband paced and looked anxious.
once I got into an "early labour lounge", I realized that yes, my water had most definitely broken, because one of my legs was soaked to my socks, and the pad that I had slapped on before leaving, wass completely saturated with clear fluid. I remembered that smell from my sister's labours, and that was when I began panicking.
A doctor came in to examine me (I was already hooked up to a fetal monitor)and told me that I was 4 cm dilated, 90% effaced, and asked me how long between contractions and how bad were they? I told her they were about 12 minutes apart and that I really really really really realllllly wanted an epidural. Then I had a contraction and almost screamed. She looked at me sort of funny and pointed out on the monitor that my contractions were actually 2 minutes apart, but most of them were bearable.
2 minutes?! holy crap. She told me I was heading for a birthing room and got a nurse to go get a wheelchair. That's when my sister got there. I remember bursting into tears, but not much else. I just wanted to eat something damnit, I was starving! but no luck, I wasn't going to be able to eat anything until after the delivery, but they'd put me on IV fluids... bah.
I fell in love with the epidural man when he arrived, because at that point, the contractions were making me feel as though I was being ripped in half.
epidurals are lovely things. Lovely magnificent things.
after a long while of not all that much excitement, my nurse suggested some pushing. 12:00 to 1:32 I pushed, and at 1:32 am he was born. exactly, to the minute, 12 hrs after my water broke.
The whole thing was terrifying, and I would definitely have a midwife for another pregnancy as I didn't really feel as though the doctors were there for me. He was born at a teaching hospital, and so the doctor had a resident with her, and was mumbling softly to her mostly, rather than answering any questions that I had.
His name is Des, and he's perfect. He does have a penis, which wasn't expected, but watching him pee on his daddy is just too hilarious, and so I forgive him for being a boy.
I'll write more about my hospital stay after I spend a bit of time staring into his eyes :o)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Week 37...
So I'm not full term. Baby could come any day now.. or at least that's what everyone keeps saying.
Last night, I slept for about an hour, split up into ten minute intervals. I woke up so many times, and each time was from a different ache or cramp or pain. This is the second night that this has happened, and I'm really ready for it to stop.
between having to go to the washroom constantly and the pain.. that would be enough, but I have gestational diabetes (came about very late in my pregnancy) and it's too close to my due date to get to speak to a specialist about it, so I just need to be careful with what I eat.
Last time I went to the doctor, we couldn't determine what position the baby was in, they *think* it was head down, but couldn't be sure so I need to go for yet another ultrasound on Thursday. maybe we'll get a two out of three on the gender, but I still won't be painting anything until the baby is born
oh, right, and my blood pressure is borderline hypertensive. Yay.
I just want to have this baby and be done with the pregnancy. I desperately need whatever chemicals they are that get released in a mother's brain to make her forget just how horrible her pregnancy is...
Last night, I slept for about an hour, split up into ten minute intervals. I woke up so many times, and each time was from a different ache or cramp or pain. This is the second night that this has happened, and I'm really ready for it to stop.
between having to go to the washroom constantly and the pain.. that would be enough, but I have gestational diabetes (came about very late in my pregnancy) and it's too close to my due date to get to speak to a specialist about it, so I just need to be careful with what I eat.
Last time I went to the doctor, we couldn't determine what position the baby was in, they *think* it was head down, but couldn't be sure so I need to go for yet another ultrasound on Thursday. maybe we'll get a two out of three on the gender, but I still won't be painting anything until the baby is born
oh, right, and my blood pressure is borderline hypertensive. Yay.
I just want to have this baby and be done with the pregnancy. I desperately need whatever chemicals they are that get released in a mother's brain to make her forget just how horrible her pregnancy is...
Monday, October 24, 2011
Maternity leave - Day one....
so far today I've packed up a few boxes, had a nap, gotten netflix (haven't actually watched anything yet), re-read a book and watched an iron chef america marathon for three hours.
I'm paying close attention to my heart rate, and making sure to keep my feet up mostly.. but this is hard! I'm not good at sitting around anymore. ten years ago, I was great at it! >.<
hubby is out tonight, but he's promised to pick me up a series of books that I want to read.. so that should take me a few days to read through hopefully.
I don't want to only hang out at my sisters, especially not so early.. she'll get sick of me pretty quick.
I'm paying close attention to my heart rate, and making sure to keep my feet up mostly.. but this is hard! I'm not good at sitting around anymore. ten years ago, I was great at it! >.<
hubby is out tonight, but he's promised to pick me up a series of books that I want to read.. so that should take me a few days to read through hopefully.
I don't want to only hang out at my sisters, especially not so early.. she'll get sick of me pretty quick.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
why are doctors so cruel!?
so I had to go for a second Glucose Tolerance Test.. this time with a syrup..ier...syrup stuff. It was gross, and actually made me a bit dizzy to drink it.
Not only did I have to drink it, but I had to fast for 12 hours first.
Take a pregnant lady, who is sick *all* the time, and tell her not to eat anything for 12 hours. Then force her to drink a bottle of syrup.. all in five minutes. Then tell her that she can't eat for three more hours, and make her sit around so you can take her blood every hour.
Is it just me, or does that sound a bit sadistic?!
On a happier note, My stroller came!
This stroller is awesome!
as a perk of my chosen profession, I get to try out hundreds of strollers, and this is by far my absolute favourite. Unfortunately, it was also BY FAR the most expensive, running about $1000.00 US.
I had given up hope that I would ever have my dream stroller. and then!!! I decided to search "uppa baby vista" on google, and kijiji/craigs list, and then finally amazon.com.. where I found one for $499.00! Still expensive I know, but the way I see it, it's an investment. There are attachments for one more seat, and a piggy back board so three children could ride on it, and it fixes all of the issues that I have with strollers. the most important is the fact that I have a strangely long stride and tend to kick the underside of every stroller in the world. This one is perfect for me! It has a raised, curved bar so it's impossible for me to kick unless I do the can-can while I push it.. I tried it, while fun, it wasn't very efficient for getting around.
also, it comes standard with a bassinet, and rain/bug/sun shields. It has a huge undertote thinger so my purse could stick in there easily. I *heart* it.
It came today, so I put it together, and although I was told that I am "not to take the cat for a walk", he jumped in it of his own free will(!) and we strolled around the apartment until he started hissing and took off.
Now, I just need to find somewhere that sells the adapter for a graco car seat. I know they exist, but am having trouble finding somewhere to actually go buy it, I guess I'll have to order it online.
Yay stroller!
Not only did I have to drink it, but I had to fast for 12 hours first.
Take a pregnant lady, who is sick *all* the time, and tell her not to eat anything for 12 hours. Then force her to drink a bottle of syrup.. all in five minutes. Then tell her that she can't eat for three more hours, and make her sit around so you can take her blood every hour.
Is it just me, or does that sound a bit sadistic?!
On a happier note, My stroller came!
This stroller is awesome!
as a perk of my chosen profession, I get to try out hundreds of strollers, and this is by far my absolute favourite. Unfortunately, it was also BY FAR the most expensive, running about $1000.00 US.
I had given up hope that I would ever have my dream stroller. and then!!! I decided to search "uppa baby vista" on google, and kijiji/craigs list, and then finally amazon.com.. where I found one for $499.00! Still expensive I know, but the way I see it, it's an investment. There are attachments for one more seat, and a piggy back board so three children could ride on it, and it fixes all of the issues that I have with strollers. the most important is the fact that I have a strangely long stride and tend to kick the underside of every stroller in the world. This one is perfect for me! It has a raised, curved bar so it's impossible for me to kick unless I do the can-can while I push it.. I tried it, while fun, it wasn't very efficient for getting around.
also, it comes standard with a bassinet, and rain/bug/sun shields. It has a huge undertote thinger so my purse could stick in there easily. I *heart* it.
It came today, so I put it together, and although I was told that I am "not to take the cat for a walk", he jumped in it of his own free will(!) and we strolled around the apartment until he started hissing and took off.
Now, I just need to find somewhere that sells the adapter for a graco car seat. I know they exist, but am having trouble finding somewhere to actually go buy it, I guess I'll have to order it online.
Yay stroller!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Gestational Diabetes?
So a few weeks ago I did a glucose tolerance test. Standard for all pregnant women nowadays I've been told... Mine came back with a higher glucose level than the doctors would like.. so I need to go back. I need to fast for 12 hours (that's a bit cruel to do to a pregnant lady don't you think?) and get blood taken as a baseline, and then drink sugary crap even worse than last time.. sit around for a few hours, and then get more blood taken.. and this time, if it's still high, then I've got gestational diabetes.
Not good.
I was also told that stress can increase the risks of all sorts of things during pregnancy, and the doctor that comes in from the hospital for all of my appointments, suggested that I go on my maternity leave even earlier than I had anticipated.
I'm just incredibly scared.. I don't want to be diabetic... during, or after pregnancy. I feel like my body just isn't cut out for this. the world is punishing me for wanting a baby :(
Not good.
I was also told that stress can increase the risks of all sorts of things during pregnancy, and the doctor that comes in from the hospital for all of my appointments, suggested that I go on my maternity leave even earlier than I had anticipated.
I'm just incredibly scared.. I don't want to be diabetic... during, or after pregnancy. I feel like my body just isn't cut out for this. the world is punishing me for wanting a baby :(
Friday, October 14, 2011
Morning sickness, my stupid apartment, my job.. a mash up of things I hate.
It has returned with a vengeance.
Everyone said that morning sickness would go away at about 12 weeks... 12 weeks came and went. The past month of so has been sort of ok, much better than before that's for sure..nausea and a queasy feeling constantly, but no actual vomit. I was starting to think it was going away entirely!
Until two days ago, when I collapsed in front of the toilet in a puddle of sweat and exhausted and my ribs hurt from the pain of the heaving. I'm so tired of this, and I've forgotten what it's like to *not* feel sick. Will it really magically go away after the baby comes? I find that hard to believe... maybe I"ll never be able to eat onions again.
so far in the past three days, I have had 2 extreme vomitty sessions, and 8 smaller ones where I just throw up whatever is in my system and be on my way. My ribs and abs hurt, I have a horrible headache, I have burst blood vessels all over my face and neck that make me look diseased. I need this to be over.. I don't know how much more I can take. :(
Lately, I feel so restless too. That nesting instinct they talk about is powerful! I want to clean, and set everything up for the baby.. but I don't want to nest here! I want to nest in our new house.. where there is a whole room for the baby, not just a two foot gap between the end of the bed and the closet.. Where there is a playroom (I do realize that a two week old baby will not be doing much playing and wouldn't have much need for an entire playroom.. but still)
I want to just get everything all set up and I can't, so I feel restless, and anxious.. I want to open my blinds without feeling like a zoo animal. when I open my blinds, without fail, there is a stupid guy on his balcony across from our window... He's ALWAYS in a robe, smoking and drinking something. Doesn't matter what time of day, he's always out there, and he's never dressed. There was a woman with him one time, all made up and dressed to go clubbing... and he was just smoking in his robe. I think she was unimpressed, because I haven't seen her since.
Being here makes me want to cry, and the fact that EVERYTHING hurts and so I can't comfortably go for a walk, or even to sit in the park across the street.. makes everything so much worse... 62 days til the house... just 62 days.. *sigh*
I've been slacking at work. I'm tired of people feeling so bloody entitled, and I never realized just how much I let people get away with until my replacement came in, with a fresh set of eyes to point out all the stuff that people are half-assing.. or just not doing altogether. I'm glad I'm out of there soon, because I just can't take it. I ask people to do SELF evaluations, and the response from at least 50% of my staff was "do we get overtime for this??". Go fuck yourselves.
on a happier note, the baby is very active, and kicks me constantly.. but now it's not as painful as it was in the beginning.. I think the elbows have gotten some padding or something, because it doesn't feel so much like someone is stabbing me from the inside.
I'm determined not to be mad at this kid.. I'm so sick all the time, and so uncomfortable that I feel like when I finally meet it, I'm just gonna be so pissed at it.. supposedly that's normal, but I can't help feeling like I'm already a shitty mum..
Everyone said that morning sickness would go away at about 12 weeks... 12 weeks came and went. The past month of so has been sort of ok, much better than before that's for sure..nausea and a queasy feeling constantly, but no actual vomit. I was starting to think it was going away entirely!
Until two days ago, when I collapsed in front of the toilet in a puddle of sweat and exhausted and my ribs hurt from the pain of the heaving. I'm so tired of this, and I've forgotten what it's like to *not* feel sick. Will it really magically go away after the baby comes? I find that hard to believe... maybe I"ll never be able to eat onions again.
so far in the past three days, I have had 2 extreme vomitty sessions, and 8 smaller ones where I just throw up whatever is in my system and be on my way. My ribs and abs hurt, I have a horrible headache, I have burst blood vessels all over my face and neck that make me look diseased. I need this to be over.. I don't know how much more I can take. :(
Lately, I feel so restless too. That nesting instinct they talk about is powerful! I want to clean, and set everything up for the baby.. but I don't want to nest here! I want to nest in our new house.. where there is a whole room for the baby, not just a two foot gap between the end of the bed and the closet.. Where there is a playroom (I do realize that a two week old baby will not be doing much playing and wouldn't have much need for an entire playroom.. but still)
I want to just get everything all set up and I can't, so I feel restless, and anxious.. I want to open my blinds without feeling like a zoo animal. when I open my blinds, without fail, there is a stupid guy on his balcony across from our window... He's ALWAYS in a robe, smoking and drinking something. Doesn't matter what time of day, he's always out there, and he's never dressed. There was a woman with him one time, all made up and dressed to go clubbing... and he was just smoking in his robe. I think she was unimpressed, because I haven't seen her since.
Being here makes me want to cry, and the fact that EVERYTHING hurts and so I can't comfortably go for a walk, or even to sit in the park across the street.. makes everything so much worse... 62 days til the house... just 62 days.. *sigh*
I've been slacking at work. I'm tired of people feeling so bloody entitled, and I never realized just how much I let people get away with until my replacement came in, with a fresh set of eyes to point out all the stuff that people are half-assing.. or just not doing altogether. I'm glad I'm out of there soon, because I just can't take it. I ask people to do SELF evaluations, and the response from at least 50% of my staff was "do we get overtime for this??". Go fuck yourselves.
on a happier note, the baby is very active, and kicks me constantly.. but now it's not as painful as it was in the beginning.. I think the elbows have gotten some padding or something, because it doesn't feel so much like someone is stabbing me from the inside.
I'm determined not to be mad at this kid.. I'm so sick all the time, and so uncomfortable that I feel like when I finally meet it, I'm just gonna be so pissed at it.. supposedly that's normal, but I can't help feeling like I'm already a shitty mum..
Friday, October 7, 2011
my replacement
I have to meet the woman that will be replacing me when I go on my maternity leave. I was hoping that it would be my favourite coworker.. but alas.. it wasn't meant to be. My head office chose someone external, and so I need to train her fully.. even though I've already mostly trained my coworker...
hopefully she's nice.. and won't make my staff's lives hell, because now they're pretty panicked. Some, I don't really care about.. because they don't care about anyone but themselves, but there are some staff that are amazing, and really caring.. so they deserve some slack.
I guess I shouldn't expect the worst.. she'll probably be lovely, and I have three weeks to mould her to my liking :D
hopefully she's nice.. and won't make my staff's lives hell, because now they're pretty panicked. Some, I don't really care about.. because they don't care about anyone but themselves, but there are some staff that are amazing, and really caring.. so they deserve some slack.
I guess I shouldn't expect the worst.. she'll probably be lovely, and I have three weeks to mould her to my liking :D
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Our house.
it's all "firmed up". we own the house, and we get the keys on December 19th. six days before christmas!
We get to have christmas in our new home :)
Our tradition every year, has been to buy a tree ornament that has something to do with a big event that happened that year.
Our first christmas together we got this one
.
Our second christmas, we had just gotten married, and we bought an "anniversary" ornament, that you can change the number in to show which anniversary you're celebrating.
This year, with a baby on the way, we bought this one
I'm thinking maybe we should buy another one because we just bought a house. That's two maaaaaaajor events in one year! Maybe we'll save that for next year, when the house is really our home, this year.. we'll just have moved in, and it won't be all that homey yet.
Now if only the hubby's family would stop fighting so we could share our good news with them too...
We get to have christmas in our new home :)
Our tradition every year, has been to buy a tree ornament that has something to do with a big event that happened that year.
Our first christmas together we got this one
. Our second christmas, we had just gotten married, and we bought an "anniversary" ornament, that you can change the number in to show which anniversary you're celebrating.
This year, with a baby on the way, we bought this one
I'm thinking maybe we should buy another one because we just bought a house. That's two maaaaaaajor events in one year! Maybe we'll save that for next year, when the house is really our home, this year.. we'll just have moved in, and it won't be all that homey yet.
Now if only the hubby's family would stop fighting so we could share our good news with them too...
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I like countdowns..
or maybe I just enjoy having things to count down to.
I have 28 working days left until my maternity leave
38 days total if I count weekends.
81 days til the closing date for my NEW HOUSE!!!!
63 days til my actual due date.
I'm not sure when we're going to plan to actually move, but definitely the week of the closing date.. I want outta my apartment dangit. I may end up moving in with my parents for a couple of weeks after the baby is born, but before the closing date. We'll see.. it may just be easier than having people coming in and out of our tiny apartment to catch me breastfeeding, or being slobby cause I have a new baby...
we'll see.
did I mention that I bought a house? :D
I have 28 working days left until my maternity leave
38 days total if I count weekends.
81 days til the closing date for my NEW HOUSE!!!!
63 days til my actual due date.
I'm not sure when we're going to plan to actually move, but definitely the week of the closing date.. I want outta my apartment dangit. I may end up moving in with my parents for a couple of weeks after the baby is born, but before the closing date. We'll see.. it may just be easier than having people coming in and out of our tiny apartment to catch me breastfeeding, or being slobby cause I have a new baby...
we'll see.
did I mention that I bought a house? :D
Brace yourself, this will be a long one…I totally just bought a house.
We decided a couple of weeks ago that yes, damnit, we’re going to buy a house.
I despise where we are living right now, the only reason that we’re there is so that I am close to work.. which once I’m on mat leave won’t matter at all. It’s kind of like living in a cave. A fairly pretty cave, with a dishwasher and washer/dryer, but a cave nonetheless. I feel almost chlausterphobic there especially if I’m home alone. The cat paces like a caged lion, and I feel uneasy there as well. We have huge windows.. lovely gorgeous windows.. that we need to keep the blinds closed at all times because when they’re open, we can see into 30 or so other apartments, and they can see into ours. The windows and layout of our apartment make it so that if the blinds are open, anyone can see our *entire* apartment, and I feel like I need to escape into the bathroom to avoid people looking at me all the time. I realize this is fairly irrational, and that chances are, no one is looking at me.. but for someone with social anxiety… it’s a really hard feeling to shake.
Our new house *deep relieved sigh* is gorgeous. It backs onto a huge park, with a play structure just a few minutes walk away. The backyard itself is huge as well, with a maaaaaaaaassive tree smack in the middle of it. Not close enough to the house for the roots to cause damage to pipes and all that mess, and far enough away that it provides shade to pretty much the whole yard. It has a cute lil shed with windows and window boxes to put pretty flowers in. It has a hot tub (we’re not big on hot tubs, but then again, we’ve never owned one, so we just may be hot tub people yet). There’s a gazebo thinger that’s pretty and has netting to keep bugs out (or in, depending who you ask). It has a fairly new deck that won’t need boards replaced anytime soon.
It has a driveway. No need to pay for parking!
It has an entryway from the front door, a little tiled entrance with a closet to hang our coats (oh, and the glass in the door is stained glass). You turn left and there’s a carpeted living room with a big ol bay window (new this year!) that looks out at a pretty tree.
To the right there are stairs up to the second floor, and stairs down to a finished basement. The basement is a bit dark, but has an awesome washer and dryer that I will enjoy doing laundry with! That will be our living room.. while the upstairs room with end up being a playroom/daycare area.. The previous owners have a small child and so baby gates were installed at all the doors and stairs which is perfect for us, and they’re leaving them!
The washer/dryer are in a dingy lil furnace room… but that’s ok, cause I don’t have to hang out in there, I can sit and watch tv in the other part of the basement :D
Behind the “living room” is a gorgeous kitchen. It’s all light wood, which I usually don’t like, but I thought it worked really well. It’s an eat in kitchen which is good for us, we’re not big on a separate dining room, and when we had one, we ended up standing and eating in the kitchen anyway.
Behind the kitchen is a mud room. (we’re gonna have a mud room!). It’s tiled, and neat and tidy, and it leads out into the backyard.
Back to the stairs, and upstairs there are three bedrooms. One is sort of a weird size, but still will work for a guestroom typa deal. There’s only one bathroom, so we’ll definitely need to put in another at one point, but that’s ok. We’ll save up for that.
The master is huge, and has two fairly big windows. It’s a hideous maroon colour with weird brown and cream stripes on one wall, so I would want to paint that room, and possibly the room that we want to use as a nursery.. right now it’s a bright green that I think is a bit icky looking and too bright for a nursery. The washroom was recently redone, and is pretty although very small.
Anyway, overall.. it’s perfect for our little family
I despise where we are living right now, the only reason that we’re there is so that I am close to work.. which once I’m on mat leave won’t matter at all. It’s kind of like living in a cave. A fairly pretty cave, with a dishwasher and washer/dryer, but a cave nonetheless. I feel almost chlausterphobic there especially if I’m home alone. The cat paces like a caged lion, and I feel uneasy there as well. We have huge windows.. lovely gorgeous windows.. that we need to keep the blinds closed at all times because when they’re open, we can see into 30 or so other apartments, and they can see into ours. The windows and layout of our apartment make it so that if the blinds are open, anyone can see our *entire* apartment, and I feel like I need to escape into the bathroom to avoid people looking at me all the time. I realize this is fairly irrational, and that chances are, no one is looking at me.. but for someone with social anxiety… it’s a really hard feeling to shake.
Our new house *deep relieved sigh* is gorgeous. It backs onto a huge park, with a play structure just a few minutes walk away. The backyard itself is huge as well, with a maaaaaaaaassive tree smack in the middle of it. Not close enough to the house for the roots to cause damage to pipes and all that mess, and far enough away that it provides shade to pretty much the whole yard. It has a cute lil shed with windows and window boxes to put pretty flowers in. It has a hot tub (we’re not big on hot tubs, but then again, we’ve never owned one, so we just may be hot tub people yet). There’s a gazebo thinger that’s pretty and has netting to keep bugs out (or in, depending who you ask). It has a fairly new deck that won’t need boards replaced anytime soon.
It has a driveway. No need to pay for parking!
It has an entryway from the front door, a little tiled entrance with a closet to hang our coats (oh, and the glass in the door is stained glass). You turn left and there’s a carpeted living room with a big ol bay window (new this year!) that looks out at a pretty tree.
To the right there are stairs up to the second floor, and stairs down to a finished basement. The basement is a bit dark, but has an awesome washer and dryer that I will enjoy doing laundry with! That will be our living room.. while the upstairs room with end up being a playroom/daycare area.. The previous owners have a small child and so baby gates were installed at all the doors and stairs which is perfect for us, and they’re leaving them!
The washer/dryer are in a dingy lil furnace room… but that’s ok, cause I don’t have to hang out in there, I can sit and watch tv in the other part of the basement :D
Behind the “living room” is a gorgeous kitchen. It’s all light wood, which I usually don’t like, but I thought it worked really well. It’s an eat in kitchen which is good for us, we’re not big on a separate dining room, and when we had one, we ended up standing and eating in the kitchen anyway.
Behind the kitchen is a mud room. (we’re gonna have a mud room!). It’s tiled, and neat and tidy, and it leads out into the backyard.
Back to the stairs, and upstairs there are three bedrooms. One is sort of a weird size, but still will work for a guestroom typa deal. There’s only one bathroom, so we’ll definitely need to put in another at one point, but that’s ok. We’ll save up for that.
The master is huge, and has two fairly big windows. It’s a hideous maroon colour with weird brown and cream stripes on one wall, so I would want to paint that room, and possibly the room that we want to use as a nursery.. right now it’s a bright green that I think is a bit icky looking and too bright for a nursery. The washroom was recently redone, and is pretty although very small.
Anyway, overall.. it’s perfect for our little family
Friday, September 23, 2011
I'm determined, damnit.
on tuesday I got word from my boss that performance evaluations on all my staff would be due by October 17th.
I got to thinking.. if they are due October 17th, and she has to read through 800 or so.. I probably won't get them approved and delivered to my staff before I go on my Mat leave..So I called her up and asked her if I could have them done this week for her so that I could definitely be the one to meet with each staff and go over their performance.
why oh why do I do this to myself?!
I have fifteen staff. the performance evaluations are 7 pages each. There are two sections for each evaluation, which each consist of 22 subsections. Each of these subsections requires a comment. so.. basically, I had to write 660 comments, each one different and individualized to each of my staff.
I did it though! I had finished five on wednesday and thursday, and was determined to finish the rest today. so I closed the door to my office, refused to answer the phone, and worked my ass off. I finished them! 10 minutes before the end of my shift!
I'm proud of me :D
I got to thinking.. if they are due October 17th, and she has to read through 800 or so.. I probably won't get them approved and delivered to my staff before I go on my Mat leave..So I called her up and asked her if I could have them done this week for her so that I could definitely be the one to meet with each staff and go over their performance.
why oh why do I do this to myself?!
I have fifteen staff. the performance evaluations are 7 pages each. There are two sections for each evaluation, which each consist of 22 subsections. Each of these subsections requires a comment. so.. basically, I had to write 660 comments, each one different and individualized to each of my staff.
I did it though! I had finished five on wednesday and thursday, and was determined to finish the rest today. so I closed the door to my office, refused to answer the phone, and worked my ass off. I finished them! 10 minutes before the end of my shift!
I'm proud of me :D
Thursday, September 22, 2011
evil wench...
So this woman has been trying to make life at work hell for me. She is a client, so I need to be "pleasant" and "professional" with her. Yesterday, I chose to speak my mind instead, but I did so with tact, and diplomacy.
Some background info.. she is a bitch. She thinks she knows more about the business that I run, than I do.. and is horribly mistaken. She believes that she could do my job.. she could not, and would get shut down, because she's moronic and far too focused on certain aspects of my job.
She complained about the number of children in a room. I changed the staffing in that room and she still complained to the government about it.. My licensing inspector called me (really nice guy!) and talked to me, I explained her insanity and my attempt to appease her insanity and he was more than impressed that I hadn't just told her to take a hike.
Yesterday, while I was on the phone with another client, she came to the front door (we have a front door with no access code, and a back door with a code, it's a 20 second walk to the back door) and rang the doorbell. She proceeded to stare at me, tapping her foot and ringing the doorbell repeatedly. I ignored her. Eventually another staff member let her in, so she rolled her eyes and huffed and puffed about my ignoring her.
She decided to wait for me to get off the phone, and then confronted me about her "concerns". She said that it's ridiculous that she should be expected to wait at the door to pick up her child while I "dick away" my time...whatever the hell that means. I explained that I was on the phone with a client, and that if it had been her on the phone, I would not have stopped that conversation to get the door for someone who has the code either. She said that if I don't "get off my lazy ass" she'll make another complaint.
I said to her.. calmly "I'd appreciate it if you left my office, and I will speak to you once you've calmed down", she obviously didn't like that, and sat down, refusing to leave. I got up and walked out..mentioning that she had been worried about hurrying inside to pick up her child, yet here she was, sitting in my office instead of picking him up.
She left, very angry with me.. :)
today, she pretended that none of it ever happened, and asked me how far along I am now! moron.
Some background info.. she is a bitch. She thinks she knows more about the business that I run, than I do.. and is horribly mistaken. She believes that she could do my job.. she could not, and would get shut down, because she's moronic and far too focused on certain aspects of my job.
She complained about the number of children in a room. I changed the staffing in that room and she still complained to the government about it.. My licensing inspector called me (really nice guy!) and talked to me, I explained her insanity and my attempt to appease her insanity and he was more than impressed that I hadn't just told her to take a hike.
Yesterday, while I was on the phone with another client, she came to the front door (we have a front door with no access code, and a back door with a code, it's a 20 second walk to the back door) and rang the doorbell. She proceeded to stare at me, tapping her foot and ringing the doorbell repeatedly. I ignored her. Eventually another staff member let her in, so she rolled her eyes and huffed and puffed about my ignoring her.
She decided to wait for me to get off the phone, and then confronted me about her "concerns". She said that it's ridiculous that she should be expected to wait at the door to pick up her child while I "dick away" my time...whatever the hell that means. I explained that I was on the phone with a client, and that if it had been her on the phone, I would not have stopped that conversation to get the door for someone who has the code either. She said that if I don't "get off my lazy ass" she'll make another complaint.
I said to her.. calmly "I'd appreciate it if you left my office, and I will speak to you once you've calmed down", she obviously didn't like that, and sat down, refusing to leave. I got up and walked out..mentioning that she had been worried about hurrying inside to pick up her child, yet here she was, sitting in my office instead of picking him up.
She left, very angry with me.. :)
today, she pretended that none of it ever happened, and asked me how far along I am now! moron.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
needing to vent
I'm taking my Mat leave starting November 4th. Three weeks before my due date.. and I refuse to feel guilty. I feel like shit all the time, I can't walk without pain in my hips and back, and I keep bursting into tears anytime someone is rude to me (which happens a hell of a lot in my line of work).
Today someone complained about something that I have NO control over, and then when I explained the company's policies and the fact that this particular policy has been in place since long before I was around, and that in the contract that she signed, it is VERY clear.. she told me that I'm an "insensitive bitch" who "doesn't deserve" my job.
All of this, because her child who had a fever of 102, and had vomitted twice.. was being sent home. Her whole argument was that she needs to work to pay for childcare, and we're not helping her out by sending her child home and making her miss work.
I explained that when other people's children are ill, we follow the same procedure and ensure that her child is exposed as little as possible to the ill children.. when I said that she said "then why is she sick?!?!" I felt like slapping her.
I have 37 days left of work. Thank god.
Today someone complained about something that I have NO control over, and then when I explained the company's policies and the fact that this particular policy has been in place since long before I was around, and that in the contract that she signed, it is VERY clear.. she told me that I'm an "insensitive bitch" who "doesn't deserve" my job.
All of this, because her child who had a fever of 102, and had vomitted twice.. was being sent home. Her whole argument was that she needs to work to pay for childcare, and we're not helping her out by sending her child home and making her miss work.
I explained that when other people's children are ill, we follow the same procedure and ensure that her child is exposed as little as possible to the ill children.. when I said that she said "then why is she sick?!?!" I felt like slapping her.
I have 37 days left of work. Thank god.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
My Grampa..
My Grandfather was a funny man, he enjoyed making puns.. he was the kinda guy that you sometimes couldn't tell if he was joking.. he poked fun (which I do too if I like you enough).
I was never close with either of my grandparents, they had an odd relationship with my mother and I have two cousins slightly younger than me, who when I was very young were pretty well abandoned by their father. They were needed by my cousins, and I got a bit lost in the shuffle I guess. I always resented the fact that they didn't seem to have much interest in me.. but I still love them both.
My grandfather always wanted to do everything himself. He's the only person on the planet who owns a sawzall.. and my dad has been borrowing it for every renovation (there have been tons) that he's ever done over the span of my lifetime.
He owned a bike shop.. and over the past while, my husband (a bicycle mechanic who works in his own father's bike shop) and I would visit my grandfather, and talk about bikes so that my grampa could talk about the past and be happy, instead of thinking about now, when he wasn't quite as capable and independant as he would have liked.
My baby is never going to meet him...
My grandfather had a heart that kept giving him trouble.
He was 88 when he died last week, and although I have way too much trouble putting how I feel about it into words... I hope that he knows how much I loved him.
I was never close with either of my grandparents, they had an odd relationship with my mother and I have two cousins slightly younger than me, who when I was very young were pretty well abandoned by their father. They were needed by my cousins, and I got a bit lost in the shuffle I guess. I always resented the fact that they didn't seem to have much interest in me.. but I still love them both.
My grandfather always wanted to do everything himself. He's the only person on the planet who owns a sawzall.. and my dad has been borrowing it for every renovation (there have been tons) that he's ever done over the span of my lifetime.
He owned a bike shop.. and over the past while, my husband (a bicycle mechanic who works in his own father's bike shop) and I would visit my grandfather, and talk about bikes so that my grampa could talk about the past and be happy, instead of thinking about now, when he wasn't quite as capable and independant as he would have liked.
My baby is never going to meet him...
My grandfather had a heart that kept giving him trouble.
He was 88 when he died last week, and although I have way too much trouble putting how I feel about it into words... I hope that he knows how much I loved him.
Monday, August 22, 2011
maybe a boy?!?!
Grr. so we were told that there was an 80% chance that the baby is a girl. We have named her, and talked to her.. and the hubby even sings her lullabies at night...
and then, BAM! possible penis?! wtf?! at my last ultrasound, the report says under "gender" "appears to be ? male (previously female)" HUH!??! did she just decide to grow a penis? did the person miss it last time? are they confused?
I sure as hell am confused.. I wanna know whether River is River, or if she is Desmond.. cause if she's desmond, I need to get to work liking the name :o/
and then, BAM! possible penis?! wtf?! at my last ultrasound, the report says under "gender" "appears to be ? male (previously female)" HUH!??! did she just decide to grow a penis? did the person miss it last time? are they confused?
I sure as hell am confused.. I wanna know whether River is River, or if she is Desmond.. cause if she's desmond, I need to get to work liking the name :o/
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Mat leave.. when?
So I've been thinking that I'll take my mat leave two weeks earlier.. or.. take two weeks vacation time the two weeks prior to my official mat leave. Every time i think of doing it though, I feel guilty. Why? I have no bloody idea? I feel almost like I'm letting people down, because all along when I was trying to get pregnant, I told myself I would stay at work right up until my due date. What I wasn't counting on was how sick I would be for the whole time? I'm 27 weeks, and I'm still throwing up at least a few times a week, and feeling queasy anytime I'm not throwing up.
so really? I'm surprised that I haven't used a single sick/vacation day. I've gone to work through puking, colds, fevers, back pain from a pinched nerve, headaches... and I haven't complained (at least not loudly) so I shouldn't feel guilty about wanted to really focus on getting ready for the baby instead of being 9 months pregnant and stressing about stupid crap at work. I have a very stressful job, and I have no reason to feel guilty for not wanting to be there until the last possible second.
Also, in that two weeks, I could go to my sister's every day while the hubby goes to work... she lives closer to the hospital where I'm supposed to deliver, and it's practically on the way to the hospital from hubby's job.
I refuse to feel guilty for going on my mat leave two weeks before my due date. :/
so really? I'm surprised that I haven't used a single sick/vacation day. I've gone to work through puking, colds, fevers, back pain from a pinched nerve, headaches... and I haven't complained (at least not loudly) so I shouldn't feel guilty about wanted to really focus on getting ready for the baby instead of being 9 months pregnant and stressing about stupid crap at work. I have a very stressful job, and I have no reason to feel guilty for not wanting to be there until the last possible second.
Also, in that two weeks, I could go to my sister's every day while the hubby goes to work... she lives closer to the hospital where I'm supposed to deliver, and it's practically on the way to the hospital from hubby's job.
I refuse to feel guilty for going on my mat leave two weeks before my due date. :/
Friday, August 5, 2011
will baby arrive early?
A coworker of mine's cousin just gave birth to her first baby. She was due August 28th, and had the baby yesterday.. august 4th.
so... How common is it to have a baby early? if I plan to work until November 25th, and I'm due November 30th... what happens?
I don't really want to stay there so long, but I don't want to have to leave before I'm scheduled to.
Labor is scary enough.. now I have to worry about being at work when it happens?
so... How common is it to have a baby early? if I plan to work until November 25th, and I'm due November 30th... what happens?
I don't really want to stay there so long, but I don't want to have to leave before I'm scheduled to.
Labor is scary enough.. now I have to worry about being at work when it happens?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
work..stress...blah..
Work is getting more and more stressful. People are helping me out less and less (and by helping out, I mean doing *their* job)
I feel like ripping my hair out, and everything just seems more exhausting than ever before. Hubby keeps mentioning that I'm only there for four more months, and so that's what I'm trying to focus on. At least there is an end in sight.
so November 25th is looking like it will be my last day. I'm due November 30th, so if all goes well, I'll work right up until the friday before I'm due. Hopefully I won't go insane before then.
I feel like ripping my hair out, and everything just seems more exhausting than ever before. Hubby keeps mentioning that I'm only there for four more months, and so that's what I'm trying to focus on. At least there is an end in sight.
so November 25th is looking like it will be my last day. I'm due November 30th, so if all goes well, I'll work right up until the friday before I'm due. Hopefully I won't go insane before then.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Trust..
"Don’t let anyone ever promise you that they won’t hurt you, because at one time or another, it will happen. the real promise is that the time you spend together will be worth the pain..."
So my husband has a friend. She happens to be female. He doesn't see her often, but on occasion he hangs out with her, to catch up. maybe twice a year...
so far, he has lied to me about this, twice..the first time, he didn't tell me, and his brother happened to mention it to me by accident that he had gone to hang out with her. I confronted him about it, and he admitted it. Saying that he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset. I explained VERY clearly, that I was upset because he lied, not because he saw her. She's a friend, and I trusted him completely. I still trust that he would never cheat on me.
unfortunately, on thursday night, he told me was going to hang out with "the guys" and then I discovered a text from him to this same girl thanking her for dinner. I confronted him, and he got mad at me!
he said he was going to tell me, but thought that I would be mad. I reminded him of the promise he made..and the promise that I made to leave if he betrayed my trust again... and then I wrote him this letter.
A lie of omission is still a lie. It hurts just as much, whether you mean it to or not. If you weren't doing something wrong, you wouldn't have kept it from me.
To lie by omission is to remain silent and thereby withhold from someone else a vital piece (or pieces) of information. The silence is deceptive in that it gives a false impression to the person from whom the information was withheld. It subverts the truth; it is a way to manipulate someone into altering their behaviour to suit the desire of the person who intentionally withheld the vital information; and, most importantly, it's a gross violation of another person's right of self-determination.
Four times (three in the past year) you have lied to me about spending time with a woman. I have told you, on numerous occasions, and each time that I've caught you in a lie, that all I need is for you to be honest with me so that I can react accordingly, it is not up to you to decide what my reaction would be.
If you cannot be honest with me, then we will not work. Against my better judgement, I didn't leave today. Believe me, I wanted to, but I have more than just myself to worry about now.
You broke my heart. I need you to understand that and the gravity of it. I feel like you ripped the happy part out of my life and replaced it with pain, this can't be fixed overnight. I can forgive you.. again.. but I can't forget this. if you can't learn that this is unacceptable and you do it again, I will leave. I won't live with someone that I cannot trust, and I won't allow my child to be raised in a dishonest home.
From this point forward (and I have no idea for how long) I will not be okay with you spending time "with your friends", because they were used as an excuse for you to sneak off and see a woman. Friend or not, the fact that you weren't able to tell me, shows that you were being deceptive and for that reason alone, I am upset. This is not to say you can't hang out with them, but I expect honesty, and I will be honest about my feelings about it in return. You can have friends, you can have friends that are women, you cannot lie to me about them, ever.
Trust is earned, and each time I think I'm beginning to trust you again, and not worry each and every time you go out for the night, you betray my trust again, hurting me more deeply, and making it that much harder to trust you going forward. I never thought that you would hurt me like this, and now that you continue to do it, all I can do is plan for the next inevitable time, when I will be forced to leave.
I love you, with all of my heart, and although I wouldn't want to leave, I can't live worrying day to day about whether or not you're being honest with me. I won't allow my child to watch us live like that, letting her think that it's ok for a man to lie to his wife. I won't let her think that this type of disrespect is acceptable, because I never want her to feel this kind of pain.
I love you, which is why I'm still here. I want us to be happy together. If you're willing to try.
He read the letter and cried. He seemed completely remorseful and has promised that it won't happen again, ensuring me that if he wants to go and hang out with her, he will discuss it with me beforehand.
I have no idea what he could possibly do to regain my trust, and I'm pretty sure he will just have to be incredibly open and honest with me until I'm able to trust him fully again. right now.. it just hurts.
So my husband has a friend. She happens to be female. He doesn't see her often, but on occasion he hangs out with her, to catch up. maybe twice a year...
so far, he has lied to me about this, twice..the first time, he didn't tell me, and his brother happened to mention it to me by accident that he had gone to hang out with her. I confronted him about it, and he admitted it. Saying that he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset. I explained VERY clearly, that I was upset because he lied, not because he saw her. She's a friend, and I trusted him completely. I still trust that he would never cheat on me.
unfortunately, on thursday night, he told me was going to hang out with "the guys" and then I discovered a text from him to this same girl thanking her for dinner. I confronted him, and he got mad at me!
he said he was going to tell me, but thought that I would be mad. I reminded him of the promise he made..and the promise that I made to leave if he betrayed my trust again... and then I wrote him this letter.
A lie of omission is still a lie. It hurts just as much, whether you mean it to or not. If you weren't doing something wrong, you wouldn't have kept it from me.
To lie by omission is to remain silent and thereby withhold from someone else a vital piece (or pieces) of information. The silence is deceptive in that it gives a false impression to the person from whom the information was withheld. It subverts the truth; it is a way to manipulate someone into altering their behaviour to suit the desire of the person who intentionally withheld the vital information; and, most importantly, it's a gross violation of another person's right of self-determination.
Four times (three in the past year) you have lied to me about spending time with a woman. I have told you, on numerous occasions, and each time that I've caught you in a lie, that all I need is for you to be honest with me so that I can react accordingly, it is not up to you to decide what my reaction would be.
If you cannot be honest with me, then we will not work. Against my better judgement, I didn't leave today. Believe me, I wanted to, but I have more than just myself to worry about now.
You broke my heart. I need you to understand that and the gravity of it. I feel like you ripped the happy part out of my life and replaced it with pain, this can't be fixed overnight. I can forgive you.. again.. but I can't forget this. if you can't learn that this is unacceptable and you do it again, I will leave. I won't live with someone that I cannot trust, and I won't allow my child to be raised in a dishonest home.
From this point forward (and I have no idea for how long) I will not be okay with you spending time "with your friends", because they were used as an excuse for you to sneak off and see a woman. Friend or not, the fact that you weren't able to tell me, shows that you were being deceptive and for that reason alone, I am upset. This is not to say you can't hang out with them, but I expect honesty, and I will be honest about my feelings about it in return. You can have friends, you can have friends that are women, you cannot lie to me about them, ever.
Trust is earned, and each time I think I'm beginning to trust you again, and not worry each and every time you go out for the night, you betray my trust again, hurting me more deeply, and making it that much harder to trust you going forward. I never thought that you would hurt me like this, and now that you continue to do it, all I can do is plan for the next inevitable time, when I will be forced to leave.
I love you, with all of my heart, and although I wouldn't want to leave, I can't live worrying day to day about whether or not you're being honest with me. I won't allow my child to watch us live like that, letting her think that it's ok for a man to lie to his wife. I won't let her think that this type of disrespect is acceptable, because I never want her to feel this kind of pain.
I love you, which is why I'm still here. I want us to be happy together. If you're willing to try.
He read the letter and cried. He seemed completely remorseful and has promised that it won't happen again, ensuring me that if he wants to go and hang out with her, he will discuss it with me beforehand.
I have no idea what he could possibly do to regain my trust, and I'm pretty sure he will just have to be incredibly open and honest with me until I'm able to trust him fully again. right now.. it just hurts.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
ugh... heat...
so it's HOT.
I run a childcare centre, it's full of small people. Small loud people. over 60 small people who give off heat.
Today, it is 38 degrees out. THIRTY EIGHT. that's bloody hot. We weren't able to bring the kids outside because it was too hot, so they just ran around inside, creating more heat. oh, did I mention there is an issue with the air conditioning in the building I work in? no? well there is. as in, it's HOT!
I despise the heat, I hate to sweat, and I'm grumpy and feeling pretty crappy even without insane weather. I had to wear dress pants because I had an important meeting today too.. dress pants.. hot.. sweat.. ew.
I run a childcare centre, it's full of small people. Small loud people. over 60 small people who give off heat.
Today, it is 38 degrees out. THIRTY EIGHT. that's bloody hot. We weren't able to bring the kids outside because it was too hot, so they just ran around inside, creating more heat. oh, did I mention there is an issue with the air conditioning in the building I work in? no? well there is. as in, it's HOT!
I despise the heat, I hate to sweat, and I'm grumpy and feeling pretty crappy even without insane weather. I had to wear dress pants because I had an important meeting today too.. dress pants.. hot.. sweat.. ew.
Monday, July 18, 2011
21 weeks!
So I'm feeling a hell of a lot better about everything now that I went to see my doctor. I found out that we're having a ...
*drumroll*
GIRL!!! :)
the hubby says he won't believe it until she is in his arms... but he already started calling "it" "her"!
we also found out that she is healthy, and growing just as she should be. I keep losing weight, but the baby is healthy and right on track, so I'm not panicking anymore.
Also, the doppler that I ordered arrived today. www.tummytickles.com is awesome. Canada post was delayed by a day, but if it weren't for them, I would have gotten it in one business day. They shipped it out the evening that I ordered it :)
Today, the hubby and I got home after the appointment, and listened to the baby's heart beat... it's so awesome :)
*drumroll*
GIRL!!! :)
the hubby says he won't believe it until she is in his arms... but he already started calling "it" "her"!
we also found out that she is healthy, and growing just as she should be. I keep losing weight, but the baby is healthy and right on track, so I'm not panicking anymore.
Also, the doppler that I ordered arrived today. www.tummytickles.com is awesome. Canada post was delayed by a day, but if it weren't for them, I would have gotten it in one business day. They shipped it out the evening that I ordered it :)
Today, the hubby and I got home after the appointment, and listened to the baby's heart beat... it's so awesome :)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
20 weeks...
I had an ultrasound today.
First, I had to have a full bladder, which I was prepared for... and then they made me wait over an hour in the waiting room.. I was not quite prepared for that. How do you prepare for that?
Once I went in (after being told that my husband could join us at the end of the appointment), I was told 8 seperate times, that I'm fat. I'm fully aware that I'm fat, I really don't need to be reminded that often.
I was told that my "padding" was the problem. That she had to push so hard because my "extra weight" was making it difficult for her. That some women's "pouch" is just a bit thicker than others, which is "nothing to be ashamed of" (I wasn't.. until now). I was told that "thicker" women sometimes don't have their children diagnosed with defects early enough because it is so hard to see a clear image. That sometimes, because they have to "push past the extra layers" that the image is sometimes too squished to show things correctly. and she repeated some of the above a few times.
Not only did she say all of this after laying me down and saying "this is a long scan, don't talk" but she then proceeded to huff and puff and sigh deeply every few seconds. She furrowed her brow repeatedly. I asked her if she could tell me anything and she said "no" no explanation.. just no. I said "can you at least tell me if the heart is beating.. or let me hear it?" (which I was allowed to do at the last ultrasound) and she again, said "no".. for clarification, I said "so you can't even tell me if my baby is alive?" "no. talk to your doctor for results"
thanks for nothing... oh wait.. no, thanks for making me think of every possible thing that could be wrong.. and dwell on it, for a fucking week until my doctor gets the results. I feel like dying.
First, I had to have a full bladder, which I was prepared for... and then they made me wait over an hour in the waiting room.. I was not quite prepared for that. How do you prepare for that?
Once I went in (after being told that my husband could join us at the end of the appointment), I was told 8 seperate times, that I'm fat. I'm fully aware that I'm fat, I really don't need to be reminded that often.
I was told that my "padding" was the problem. That she had to push so hard because my "extra weight" was making it difficult for her. That some women's "pouch" is just a bit thicker than others, which is "nothing to be ashamed of" (I wasn't.. until now). I was told that "thicker" women sometimes don't have their children diagnosed with defects early enough because it is so hard to see a clear image. That sometimes, because they have to "push past the extra layers" that the image is sometimes too squished to show things correctly. and she repeated some of the above a few times.
Not only did she say all of this after laying me down and saying "this is a long scan, don't talk" but she then proceeded to huff and puff and sigh deeply every few seconds. She furrowed her brow repeatedly. I asked her if she could tell me anything and she said "no" no explanation.. just no. I said "can you at least tell me if the heart is beating.. or let me hear it?" (which I was allowed to do at the last ultrasound) and she again, said "no".. for clarification, I said "so you can't even tell me if my baby is alive?" "no. talk to your doctor for results"
thanks for nothing... oh wait.. no, thanks for making me think of every possible thing that could be wrong.. and dwell on it, for a fucking week until my doctor gets the results. I feel like dying.
Monday, July 4, 2011
19 weeks
So this past weekend was a long weekend. It didn't really feel like it though :o(
On thursday evening, we drove for three and a half hours (NOT FUN) over many a dirt/bumpy road, til we got to the hubby's friend's cottage. It was pretty, and right on a lake, and I did a lot of relaxing, which I really did need.
we came back saturday evening, adn then had to go to his families annual picnic.. it was hot, and we were there (barely walking distance to washrooms) for almost 8 hours. I love his family, but I think I can only handle anyone in fairly small doses lately. I get tired really easily, have so much trouble working up an appetite because for so long I've been so nauseous, that I'm not much fun. hopefully, I'll get over this whole sickness thing and be normal again sometime soon.
I felt the baby kick! It's was Tuesday June 26th, at 11:09 am. I had felt little movements (that could easily have been gas) before this, so I didn't count them, but this was a definite kick. It was so weird! and it didn't stop! I started getting teary, and everyone at work thought I was a bit strange, but I don't care.
Since then, it's at least once or twice a day that I feel a really strong kick. :) such a strange feeling, that I really wish I could explain to my husband.. or that he could share it at all. I can't wait til he can feel it too.
On thursday evening, we drove for three and a half hours (NOT FUN) over many a dirt/bumpy road, til we got to the hubby's friend's cottage. It was pretty, and right on a lake, and I did a lot of relaxing, which I really did need.
we came back saturday evening, adn then had to go to his families annual picnic.. it was hot, and we were there (barely walking distance to washrooms) for almost 8 hours. I love his family, but I think I can only handle anyone in fairly small doses lately. I get tired really easily, have so much trouble working up an appetite because for so long I've been so nauseous, that I'm not much fun. hopefully, I'll get over this whole sickness thing and be normal again sometime soon.
I felt the baby kick! It's was Tuesday June 26th, at 11:09 am. I had felt little movements (that could easily have been gas) before this, so I didn't count them, but this was a definite kick. It was so weird! and it didn't stop! I started getting teary, and everyone at work thought I was a bit strange, but I don't care.
Since then, it's at least once or twice a day that I feel a really strong kick. :) such a strange feeling, that I really wish I could explain to my husband.. or that he could share it at all. I can't wait til he can feel it too.
Monday, June 27, 2011
18 weeks
another week gone. Feeling pretty okay now. No vomiting (except for this morning, which I think may have been more anxiety than pregnancy since I was in for a very busy, stressful day)
My blood pressure is a bit high, but in my defense, my work cell phone was ringing like crazy while I was in my appointment, and so I was a bit worried about what was going on there.
Work is going well, for now. just bloody tiring!
so I'm in the process of working out my "birthing plan". figuring out who will be there, what we'll do, all that junk. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to commit to no pain meds... but I'd like to try.
*shrug* I have a few more months to think about it, at least.
My blood pressure is a bit high, but in my defense, my work cell phone was ringing like crazy while I was in my appointment, and so I was a bit worried about what was going on there.
Work is going well, for now. just bloody tiring!
so I'm in the process of working out my "birthing plan". figuring out who will be there, what we'll do, all that junk. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to commit to no pain meds... but I'd like to try.
*shrug* I have a few more months to think about it, at least.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Where I'm from - Stolen from my sister.
I am from pink angel/princess sheets, from Laura's subs and no name frozen yogurt.
I am from the house between the fire hydrant and the jungle house. From the greenest street in the neighbourhood, with by far the most cats.
I am from the rosebush in the backyard), the tree fort in an actual tree, and the rope ladder used to get up to it.
I am from turkey dinner on thanksgiving and musical chairs without the music, from my crazy drunken relatives and .
I am from the Nosiest women in the world and being kind to everyone around you.
From stepping on a needle being the cause of a heart attack and being careful not to eat an orange just after drinking milk.
I am from believing what I can see, and feel. The wind in my hair, the warmth of the sun, the grit of the earth underfoot, and helping others whenever I can.
I'm from Canada and England, Stuffing with chestnuts, and mincemeat pie
From the time my brother saved my sister from drowning, the family cat, who tried to climb into my crib when I was a baby and all the animals that came to visit and ended up staying.
I am from a slew of unorganized photos in boxes in my parents basement.
I am from the house between the fire hydrant and the jungle house. From the greenest street in the neighbourhood, with by far the most cats.
I am from the rosebush in the backyard), the tree fort in an actual tree, and the rope ladder used to get up to it.
I am from turkey dinner on thanksgiving and musical chairs without the music, from my crazy drunken relatives and .
I am from the Nosiest women in the world and being kind to everyone around you.
From stepping on a needle being the cause of a heart attack and being careful not to eat an orange just after drinking milk.
I am from believing what I can see, and feel. The wind in my hair, the warmth of the sun, the grit of the earth underfoot, and helping others whenever I can.
I'm from Canada and England, Stuffing with chestnuts, and mincemeat pie
From the time my brother saved my sister from drowning, the family cat, who tried to climb into my crib when I was a baby and all the animals that came to visit and ended up staying.
I am from a slew of unorganized photos in boxes in my parents basement.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
17 weeks
so week 16 was much the same as the previous 10.. I was sick, often.
This week however, I feel a bit better. no puking, no nausea.. and it lasts all day. I don't want to jinx anything, but I think the worst may be over.
Also, I seem to be starting to show! I'm not the smallest woman in the world, so to most, I just look like I gained some extra weight, there is no telltale "bump" but people who see me every day are starting to notice. Also, my clothes are getting wayyyy too tight. Luckily, my husband's-coworkers-wife just gave birth to her fourth child in under four years (twins in the middle!) and so she is ridding herself of anything maternity in an attempt to curb the urge to keep trying for a girl.. (four boys, poor lady). so I get it all! it's mostly not my style, but hell... maternity dress pants are eeeexpensive, I spent 110 bucks on two pairs, which may not seem like much to people who shop, but I avoid shopping like the plague and see that as a crazy waste of money.
So anyway, I have more than enough shirts, I wear everything huge already so all my old shirts will work til I give birth, but pants are another story, and now I think I'm set. I think there were about 12 pairs that work well for me. awesomesauce :)
also, I may *crosses fingers* be going to the hubby's friend's cottage the weekend after next. If I do, I'll just sit around all day and relax and watch his silly friends get drunk and do stupid things. I've never been much of drinker, so I've always enjoyed watching others get shitfaced and stupid :D
here's hoping! yay for relaxing. If I can't go there, I'll go stay with my parents, at least it's green there. I can't stand being stuck in my apartment for a whole day. While I know that I can get out and go for a walk or something, I don't really like being downtown. too many people.. stupid people. When I spend a whole day in the apartment, I get a kind of cabin fever I've never experienced before... another reason why I know we're going to have to move before our lease is up.. but that's a whole other story...
This week however, I feel a bit better. no puking, no nausea.. and it lasts all day. I don't want to jinx anything, but I think the worst may be over.
Also, I seem to be starting to show! I'm not the smallest woman in the world, so to most, I just look like I gained some extra weight, there is no telltale "bump" but people who see me every day are starting to notice. Also, my clothes are getting wayyyy too tight. Luckily, my husband's-coworkers-wife just gave birth to her fourth child in under four years (twins in the middle!) and so she is ridding herself of anything maternity in an attempt to curb the urge to keep trying for a girl.. (four boys, poor lady). so I get it all! it's mostly not my style, but hell... maternity dress pants are eeeexpensive, I spent 110 bucks on two pairs, which may not seem like much to people who shop, but I avoid shopping like the plague and see that as a crazy waste of money.
So anyway, I have more than enough shirts, I wear everything huge already so all my old shirts will work til I give birth, but pants are another story, and now I think I'm set. I think there were about 12 pairs that work well for me. awesomesauce :)
also, I may *crosses fingers* be going to the hubby's friend's cottage the weekend after next. If I do, I'll just sit around all day and relax and watch his silly friends get drunk and do stupid things. I've never been much of drinker, so I've always enjoyed watching others get shitfaced and stupid :D
here's hoping! yay for relaxing. If I can't go there, I'll go stay with my parents, at least it's green there. I can't stand being stuck in my apartment for a whole day. While I know that I can get out and go for a walk or something, I don't really like being downtown. too many people.. stupid people. When I spend a whole day in the apartment, I get a kind of cabin fever I've never experienced before... another reason why I know we're going to have to move before our lease is up.. but that's a whole other story...
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
15 weeks!
so, here I am. Fifteen weeks, and I'm surviving! I seem to have stopped vomiting constantly, and am down to once a day. Usually in the morning, I wake up.. set aside twenty minutes or so to upchuck some bile and then I'm fine for the rest of the day. (before you say anything, I've tried eating something small as soon as I wake up, and truthishly? it's just more painful when I throw it up, so I gave up on that)
Work is fine, everyone there knows, and is quite understanding about my strange ways lately (eating an entire cucumber in one sitting, and then going out and buying more cucumber.. to name one thing that made people look at me strangely) mostly, they just enjoy making fun of me about it.
the hubby seems to be a bit more understanding now. I'm not sure what was going on at first, I think he may just have been a bit overwhelmed because there was nothing he could to do to help me, and he's not good at feeling helpless.. so he would just get frustrated and annoyed with me. *sigh*
also, the weather here is awful. it was 33 today, with a humidex of FORTY TWO. That is far too hot, and I think that mother nature is fucking with us. it's supposed to drop down to 20ish this week... so where the hell is 33 coming from!?
Work is fine, everyone there knows, and is quite understanding about my strange ways lately (eating an entire cucumber in one sitting, and then going out and buying more cucumber.. to name one thing that made people look at me strangely) mostly, they just enjoy making fun of me about it.
the hubby seems to be a bit more understanding now. I'm not sure what was going on at first, I think he may just have been a bit overwhelmed because there was nothing he could to do to help me, and he's not good at feeling helpless.. so he would just get frustrated and annoyed with me. *sigh*
also, the weather here is awful. it was 33 today, with a humidex of FORTY TWO. That is far too hot, and I think that mother nature is fucking with us. it's supposed to drop down to 20ish this week... so where the hell is 33 coming from!?
Monday, May 30, 2011
Month #4... again?!
So I had my ultrasound (pic in previous post) and just had my follow up appointment today, three weeks later.
I wasn't panicked because I saw my baby, and heard the heartbeat.. so as far as I care, everything is good.
Today, I found out that people can just change your due date all willy nilly! I'm now due November 30th...( getting closer and closer to my neice's birthday.. my sister will be thrilled!)
I thought that once you had a due date, that was it, but I was mistaken. People can just say "newp! it's too small, our estimate was wrong" well bah.
Now at least, some things are explained. I didn't test positive until a week later than I should have. I got sick at 8 weeks, not 6 like most people (but it was actually 6 weeks). Yay! here's hoping that this means I'm not SOL and will stop being so nauseas soon.
I wasn't panicked because I saw my baby, and heard the heartbeat.. so as far as I care, everything is good.
Today, I found out that people can just change your due date all willy nilly! I'm now due November 30th...( getting closer and closer to my neice's birthday.. my sister will be thrilled!)
I thought that once you had a due date, that was it, but I was mistaken. People can just say "newp! it's too small, our estimate was wrong" well bah.
Now at least, some things are explained. I didn't test positive until a week later than I should have. I got sick at 8 weeks, not 6 like most people (but it was actually 6 weeks). Yay! here's hoping that this means I'm not SOL and will stop being so nauseas soon.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Month #4
So I'm 14 weeks and 3 days in. This is the first time that I didn't come home from work and immediately lay down and pray that the nausea would subside.
Starting exactly at week 8, I got violently ill. I had burst blood vessels in my face and eyes and thought for sure I had poisoned myself and would shortly die.
Unfortunately, I did not.. and was left to endure what some sick sadistic bastard had (sooooo inaccurately) named "morning sickness". "morning" sickness?! MORNING?!?!! all fucking day sickness. It never stopped, I vomited as soon as I woke up in the morning, on my way to work, at work, a few times on my way home, and then sat on or near the toilet. This lasted about two weeks before my sister ( I LOVE HER) told me about diclectin. I called my doctor in tears and it was that simple, she called in a prescription and My husband and I went to get it (read: he went and got it while I sat in the car with my head in a bucket.)
I took a pill immediately and hoped that it would help.
after a few days, a miracle happened. I woke up and just lay there. *angels singing*. did you hear that?! I JUST LAY THERE. I didn't run to the bathroom, I didn't throw myself violently over the side of the bed to vomit in a bucket.. I just lay there, staring up at the ceiling, scared to breathe or move and incur the wrath of the sickness.
Then, I got up! o. m. g. I stood, and DIDN'T VOMIT. I don't know how to express my amazement fully. I had woken up, and then lay there.. then, I stood up, ALL WITHOUT VOMITING. a freakin miracle!
So my little pills of ecstasy ,stamped with a preggo lady were all I needed to survive.
Shortly after that, I vomited.. but hell, I went *at least* half and hour with my insides INSIDE!
Since then, I've been pretty sick, I vomit once daily, and the rest is just a nausea that won't really quit, but it's nothing like that first two weeks where I was convinced that the next time I threw up, there would be an organ or two floating in the toilet.
now, all I have to do is look at this, and it all seems worth it.. but I'm sure as hell gonna point out how rough this kid made my life when he/she won't clean their damn room.
Starting exactly at week 8, I got violently ill. I had burst blood vessels in my face and eyes and thought for sure I had poisoned myself and would shortly die.
Unfortunately, I did not.. and was left to endure what some sick sadistic bastard had (sooooo inaccurately) named "morning sickness". "morning" sickness?! MORNING?!?!! all fucking day sickness. It never stopped, I vomited as soon as I woke up in the morning, on my way to work, at work, a few times on my way home, and then sat on or near the toilet. This lasted about two weeks before my sister ( I LOVE HER) told me about diclectin. I called my doctor in tears and it was that simple, she called in a prescription and My husband and I went to get it (read: he went and got it while I sat in the car with my head in a bucket.)
I took a pill immediately and hoped that it would help.
after a few days, a miracle happened. I woke up and just lay there. *angels singing*. did you hear that?! I JUST LAY THERE. I didn't run to the bathroom, I didn't throw myself violently over the side of the bed to vomit in a bucket.. I just lay there, staring up at the ceiling, scared to breathe or move and incur the wrath of the sickness.
Then, I got up! o. m. g. I stood, and DIDN'T VOMIT. I don't know how to express my amazement fully. I had woken up, and then lay there.. then, I stood up, ALL WITHOUT VOMITING. a freakin miracle!
So my little pills of ecstasy ,stamped with a preggo lady were all I needed to survive.
Shortly after that, I vomited.. but hell, I went *at least* half and hour with my insides INSIDE!
Since then, I've been pretty sick, I vomit once daily, and the rest is just a nausea that won't really quit, but it's nothing like that first two weeks where I was convinced that the next time I threw up, there would be an organ or two floating in the toilet.
now, all I have to do is look at this, and it all seems worth it.. but I'm sure as hell gonna point out how rough this kid made my life when he/she won't clean their damn room.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Finally!
So the hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year. I'd begun thinking that it may never stick. I went through two miscarriages (both very early on, so nothing invasive had to be done) that were disheartening but then, this month my period never arrived. I of course tested the day i was due and got a negative and figured I was just late... again. Then I tested after three days because I've never been *that* late before.. still negative. Hunh.
On saturday, after I was 7 days late, I tested again. I sat there and watched the control line turn dark pink and around the two minute mark, I thought maybe I had wished a second line into existence! It was so faint that I decided to ask my hubby if he could see it and he could! he hugged me and told me (gently) that we'd seen this before and to just hold off on getting too excited.
This morning (sunday) I tested again, I needed a second chance and there was that line again, even darker! definitely a line this time, no doubt about it. I'm still cautiously optimistic, but there's really something there this time, and I'm hoping that because everything feels so different this time (actually having some symptoms that I never had before, the fact that I didn't test positive until later on, this time.. I just *feel* pregnant.. I wish I could explain that), that it will stick. *crosses fingers*
If all goes well, I'll have a baby just after my birthday! :)
Also, I have a job interview this week (hopefully) to see if I got the big promotion. I may have a baby, a new job, and have moved by november. So exciting.. and all a bit overwhelming now that I think about it.
On saturday, after I was 7 days late, I tested again. I sat there and watched the control line turn dark pink and around the two minute mark, I thought maybe I had wished a second line into existence! It was so faint that I decided to ask my hubby if he could see it and he could! he hugged me and told me (gently) that we'd seen this before and to just hold off on getting too excited.
This morning (sunday) I tested again, I needed a second chance and there was that line again, even darker! definitely a line this time, no doubt about it. I'm still cautiously optimistic, but there's really something there this time, and I'm hoping that because everything feels so different this time (actually having some symptoms that I never had before, the fact that I didn't test positive until later on, this time.. I just *feel* pregnant.. I wish I could explain that), that it will stick. *crosses fingers*
If all goes well, I'll have a baby just after my birthday! :)
Also, I have a job interview this week (hopefully) to see if I got the big promotion. I may have a baby, a new job, and have moved by november. So exciting.. and all a bit overwhelming now that I think about it.
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