Sunday, November 20, 2011

priorities

So, with a baby in the house, everything has changed.

he's the big priority now, everything else comes second. The hubby hasn't complained that he's having to do more chores and spend a lot of money (he .. hates.. spending money). He's been pretty understanding, or at least he's trying to understand what's going on with my body, and has been trying to help out as much as he can. The breastfeeding is a huge source of anxiety with me, and he's been researching to see what might help, and then helping me do things. (trying to keep me relaxed with massage, making me tea, etc) he's an awesome daddy.. and I'm so proud of him.

Des and I have been home alone this evening. Hubby went to a concert (his brother is in a band), that he had planned to go to since forever ago. It gave me a chance to see how I would feel alone here with Des. at first, I felt like I was drowning. I was scared to go to the washroom, because then no one would be with Des. I realize that it's a bit irrational, but it's just a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't really shake.

Now, I feel like I have a bit more of a handle on things. I've been wandering around with Des, taking pictures of him. He's so cute.. and when he smiles, I get all teary.

so, something that I didn't tell anyone about when I was in labour, which is why I was so panicked that something was terribly wrong. the night before i had Des, I had a horrible dream. It was incredibly vivid, and when I woke up I was pretty hysterical. The hubby had to actually wake up and take some time to talk to me to calm me down.

The dream was that I went into labor and the hubby wasn't around, so I ended up trying to take transit to the hospital. When I got there, my sister and mum had called and left a message at maternity that they wouldn't be able to make it, but good luck and the hubby was at work and wouldn't be able to leave for a few hours. So I was at the hospital, in labor and alone, and then after a bunch of pushing.. the baby was stillborn.

I was terrified. I couldn't get the image out of my head the whole time that I was actually in labor, and every time they whispered about something, my whole body would go cold and I would think that my dream was going to come true.

When we got home with Des, I locked myself in the washroom and sobbed for about half an hour.. I was so relieved, and scared, and hormonal, and exhausted. After that, I was okay mostly. it took a couple of days for me to get over that cold feeling, and I think that that's a big part of why I get so nervous when he's asleep..

He's just so perfect.

2 comments:

Skwishee said...

You probably don't remember, but you told me.

I used to leave the bathroom door open and sit Beege in the bouncy chair in front of it so that we could still see each other.

When you've got responsibility for a whole new person who can't do anything, it's totally normal to be freaked out and paranoid.

He's a great daddy, and you're a great mummy. :)

And *I* am the best aunt in the whole world. There, I said it.

Pyra said...

i don't remember telling you.. but I don't remember much of anything from that first 48 hours.. thankfully.

I'm doing better now I think. Still panicky, but I think that'll stick around for a year or so :P