Friday, October 14, 2011

Morning sickness, my stupid apartment, my job.. a mash up of things I hate.

It has returned with a vengeance.
Everyone said that morning sickness would go away at about 12 weeks... 12 weeks came and went. The past month of so has been sort of ok, much better than before that's for sure..nausea and a queasy feeling constantly, but no actual vomit. I was starting to think it was going away entirely!

Until two days ago, when I collapsed in front of the toilet in a puddle of sweat and exhausted and my ribs hurt from the pain of the heaving. I'm so tired of this, and I've forgotten what it's like to *not* feel sick. Will it really magically go away after the baby comes? I find that hard to believe... maybe I"ll never be able to eat onions again.

so far in the past three days, I have had 2 extreme vomitty sessions, and 8 smaller ones where I just throw up whatever is in my system and be on my way. My ribs and abs hurt, I have a horrible headache, I have burst blood vessels all over my face and neck that make me look diseased. I need this to be over.. I don't know how much more I can take. :(

Lately, I feel so restless too. That nesting instinct they talk about is powerful! I want to clean, and set everything up for the baby.. but I don't want to nest here! I want to nest in our new house.. where there is a whole room for the baby, not just a two foot gap between the end of the bed and the closet.. Where there is a playroom (I do realize that a two week old baby will not be doing much playing and wouldn't have much need for an entire playroom.. but still)

I want to just get everything all set up and I can't, so I feel restless, and anxious.. I want to open my blinds without feeling like a zoo animal. when I open my blinds, without fail, there is a stupid guy on his balcony across from our window... He's ALWAYS in a robe, smoking and drinking something. Doesn't matter what time of day, he's always out there, and he's never dressed. There was a woman with him one time, all made up and dressed to go clubbing... and he was just smoking in his robe. I think she was unimpressed, because I haven't seen her since.

Being here makes me want to cry, and the fact that EVERYTHING hurts and so I can't comfortably go for a walk, or even to sit in the park across the street.. makes everything so much worse... 62 days til the house... just 62 days.. *sigh*

I've been slacking at work. I'm tired of people feeling so bloody entitled, and I never realized just how much I let people get away with until my replacement came in, with a fresh set of eyes to point out all the stuff that people are half-assing.. or just not doing altogether. I'm glad I'm out of there soon, because I just can't take it. I ask people to do SELF evaluations, and the response from at least 50% of my staff was "do we get overtime for this??". Go fuck yourselves.

on a happier note, the baby is very active, and kicks me constantly.. but now it's not as painful as it was in the beginning.. I think the elbows have gotten some padding or something, because it doesn't feel so much like someone is stabbing me from the inside.

I'm determined not to be mad at this kid.. I'm so sick all the time, and so uncomfortable that I feel like when I finally meet it, I'm just gonna be so pissed at it.. supposedly that's normal, but I can't help feeling like I'm already a shitty mum..

1 comment:

Skwishee said...

Well, do you REALLY need to eat onions ever again? no. No you don't.

I was worried that Kee would actually be evil - like real burn in a church kind of evil - because of how sick I was. At times, it seemed like she was trying to actually kill me. And I thought she would be stunted somehow because of all my negative thoughts.
And now? Well, she may be an evil GENIUS, but it's more along the Dr. Horrible lines than anyone ACTUALLY evil.

You and the kid will be healthy and fine. And I will babysit.

<3