Saturday, February 23, 2008


I've always believed somewhat in fate. Lately, however, I have begun to actually think about fate in a bigger sense. I always just sort of envisioned my future as being my dream... with a guy in it. Whoever he was.. he didn't have a name or face.. he was practically interchangeable with any other man who happened to walk into my life at whatever point it was that I was supposed to get married.

lately, I just can't help but think that that was simply because I hadn't met him yet. now I picture my life somewhat differently.

A more in depth look at fate... fate is the path that you take, or that is chosen for you at birth, or before. Fate is not something that can be changed, no matter how hard you try.

I believe in fate slightly differently. I believe that we DO have the option to change our fate. I believe that things happen for a reason.. that some cosmic force tries to guide us in a certain direction but at the same time, our own free will conflicts, and often we set a different paths for ourselves... leaving those poor cosmic forces to sort our shit out again.. and work on plan B.

Whatever those cosmic forces are.. I think they're at work with me lately. Normally, I would just hide. I would assume that this is all meant to hurt me again.. and I would run. but it's so different! everything up until I got self conscious was different.. I can joke.. I can talk with ease... I don't stutter like a moron.. I'm not nearly as nervous as I thought I might be. Cryptic much? sorry.

He spent money on me... which actually distresses me quite a bit *starts saving pennies* and not just buying me a drink or something... actual money.
I guess you only see money as a really big deal when you truly have none. I don't like that he did.. and moreso I don't like that I let him *sigh*

I like that we talk about/through things. I tell him how I feel, he tells me how he feels.. we talk about it... we get along really well. we have practically the same sense of humour. he's active.. I'm not. He's not a smoker.. I am... but I'm trying! he's got money.. I don't. three things right there that could spell out doom for me. while everything else is great...ugh...

I need to lose weight (yes, I realize I've been bitching about this alot) I want to look good for him. He says I'm perfect... but I find that very hard to believe. I don't even know why, he seems sincere... maybe it's just tooo overwhelming? I have always hated my body.. and have always had issues with weight and my looks in general... and now he comes along and thinks I'm perfect? something is skewed there.

How many coincidences does it take to equal fate? I'm so comfortable with him that that scares me a little too. if I do let myself fall... *sigh* I can't even think about it.

risks! be bold! courageous.... >.<

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