Tuesday, March 25, 2008

study? why study when you can make out?! *heart*

I just wrote that exam that you *cough* helped... me study for. I think I did really well! we had three hours to write it and I was done in forty minutes. GO ME!
I usually write tests really quickly cause I read fast, and I write fast. It’s now 10:20 and no one else is even done yet.. haha... suckers!

I’ve decided to be a loner here. I hate all the drama here and frankly, I don’t give a shit if people here like me, so why bother trying to be friends with them? I get more work done if I don’t socialize at lunch anyway.

I’m so glad you came to see me last night. Makes missing you hurt a little less. I daydreamed so much last night I think I’m going to write a story about a day in the life of us and try to give you an idea of what I daydream about. It’s the little silly things that everyone takes for granted. Walking the door and seeing your shoes there... watching tv all snuggled up with you... grocery shopping with you... doing dishes with you... being able to sign a Christmas or birthday card “from [Pyra] and [Bear]” ... hmm. what else?
Just all those little things that people take for granted because they do it all the time. that’s all I want to be able to do with you. I just want to have a life with you. to go pick out bed sheets... or dishes... to discuss buying an appliance... god it’s so sad the things I dream of. I just love you so much, and I want to be with you forever.

Every time I try to think about anything good though, I start thinking about all that I was telling you about before. I’ve been hurt so much, that it’s just so hard for me to believe you’re for real. I think I’m starting to believe it... but it’s so scary. If I just let go, and let you in completely... how badly will I get hurt? I KNOW it’s irrational, and I understand it’s silly of me to think like this.. but I feel the need to keep myself somewhat guarded... at this point... I think that if you turned out to be hurtful and cruel.... it would literally kill me. I feel like my heart is going to explode sometimes because I just feel so strongly about you. I know we spoke about it, and you tried to reassure me.. it worked.. somewhat. when I’m with you, I feel so secure with you, and so absolutely positively sure of your feelings for me... but when you’re not, I start doubting myself.
I’m so used to being stepped on..  being used... being thrown away. basically, I’m used to being thought of as trash. I’m expendable and have always been treated as such. it’s sad really, that I’m so used to being hurt that I CAN’T expect differently. I’m trying.. so hard.. .but so far it’s not working.

I love that my family loves you, and The Kid adores you. you get to watch the new baby grow up too :o) hopefully.

I’m so torn, between hoping for the best, and expecting the worst. isn’t that the way to stop yourself from being disappointed. I guess that’s what I’m doing... just trying not to be disappointed. I love you so much baby.. and I am trying to let go and just let myself be loved.. but it’s so hard!
Everyone in my class is so materialistic .. it really really bothers me. I was telling my friend Claudia about you.. and how you came to see me, and then someone piped up “ooo what’d he bring you??” I just stared at her for a second and then said “himself... he’s all I need” .. she remarked “well isn’t that cute... gag. so he’s a poor bastard huh *laugh*” I wanted to slap her. why do people think that someone with money is so much more worthy? why is our relationship any less valid because you don’t buy me tons of presents? why do I have to adorn myself in jewellery in order to show the world that I am loved? personally, I think the constant smile on my face and the little flutter my heart does every time I think of you is quite enough to show the world that I’m loved. but even that doesn’t matter. I don’t care if the world knows that I’m loved. *I* know that I’m loved. if you loved me, and bought me things.. would that mean you love me even more? no. material possessions are just that... material possessions. They don’t last a lifetime. they can be stolen, or taken away. They can be broken, mistreated, and worst of all we can become disinterested in them. True love isn’t like that. True love can’t be broken, stolen, or taken away. It can’t be mistreated, as true love is an unmistakable bond.. to both parties, and neither would ever mistreat it. True love is lasting, through hard times, and good. True love is the strongest, most valuable feeling that one can have. True love is what every great story has in the underlying theme, or in most cases, up front and center. I found mine. I’m still amazed that I found you. I always knew you existed, and I’ve dreamt of you my whole life, but I never in a million years thought that I would actually find you, but I have.. and I’ll be damned if I let you go without a fight.

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