Saturday, June 16, 2007

you sitting down?

this is gonna be a long one. I just had a HUGE long discussion with my parents (well mostly my mother, daddy doesn't have much of an opinion) and my sister in law .. it's nice to have someone on my side for once.

now, I brought up the fact that I want to home school my children (once they exist of course). my mother added in a barrage of "why" type questions, and I answered all in a well thought out answer. I went through hell in school. I was called a racist for holding my nose on garbage day in china town. i was with two other girls, one was asian, one was black.. all three of us held our noses because it reeked of rotting fish heads. it was a field trip to chinatown for chinese new year celebrations. now the thing is, we were all called racists EXCEPT for the chinese girl. what kind of lesson is that to teach second graders?! my mother fought it of course, calling it ridiculous, but she didn't win. for the whole celebration lunch, Josey and myself got to watch the other children celebrate from the corner. to this day, I still wonder if it was indeed racist of me. all my friends are white.... *sigh*

all through elementary school I was picked on. every recess/lunch hour, I would hide underneath the stairs on the east wing and barely move for fear of that dreaded group of girls. they would beat me up at every opportunity. they would call me names, and rip my clothes. steal my things, and basically just terrorize me with everything they had. they destroyed me completely. these are the same girls that stayed in all my classes until grade 8. it was insane.

once, my mother wrote a note to my teacher about these girls picking on me. the teacher left the note on his desk, in full view of the class.. and one of the girls (the "ringleader" I suppose) found it. she made copies. I was humiliated, and had that stupid letter held over my head for years.

I had a teacher who once forced a girl in my class to eat glue, because she had spilled some on a desk. he kicked a table into another girl one time...don't even remember why. he was arrested about three years later on child pornography charges. nice grade 3 teacher huh.

in grades 6-8, my art teacher would sit the slutty girls right in front of his desk. those girls always got the best grades. he was "relieved from duty" the year I left that school because of all the complaints.

in grades 2-4, I had the same teacher (the same one who considered me a racist), she was a horrible woman. she liked to think that she was god in her classroom.

I *never* want my children to have any of those experiences. I never want them to be told that they're stupid, or worthless, or anything like that. I never want them bullied, or picked on. I never EVER want my children to avoid asking questions for fear of being judged. i will home school my children, and I will involved them in extra-curricular activities at every opportunity. I will treat my children as though they are capable young beings, that will grow and learn as they age. like they will be whatever they want to be, with absolutely no qualms about impressing anyone.

I will tell them often that they are intelligent, caring, lovable individuals.. and I will NEVER let them believe that they are inferior to anyone else. I would die before my children have to go through any of the shit that I did.

my mother ended up sobbing, she blames herself. I have never had a heart to heart with her, but this actually shed some light on how we feel about each other. she said that she feels as though she failed me. and that she was too preoccupied with everything else to pay attention. she feels like she should have known. I never told her...but the school should have. I should never have been treated like that. the public school system sucks. thirty children to one teacher, who is so stressed out she can barely think. children deserve better. My children will *have* better.

it sparked a huge discussion about socializing, and proper development of children. my children will probably have the same anxiety as me, but I will treat them no different, and they will learn about anxiety, and ways to deal with it from a very young age. my mother was under the impression that ignoring it makes it go away... that didn't work for me, so I'll try something different. I don't want my children to feel afraid. part of my anxiety stems directly from my school age experiences. my children won't have those experiences.


No comments: